Every day we battle something. We battle our thoughts. We battle for control. And every day we struggle. I struggle. Today I am struggling. It's not that I don't know why I am on this life changing journey and know the end result is worth it. A post from one of those self-help/positive quotes Facebook groups said it best: "it's not going to be easy, it's going to be worth it." I know without any doubt that it is. I've seen progress and that excites me to no end. It's just today is not a good day. I cannot just 'smile' my worries/problems/thoughts away. I am an open book so to mask my corrupt and negative thoughts is hard; I cannot just shelve them and forget them. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically.
We all have these days in life. And when you're on a journey for self-control, we tend to fall off the path for one reason or another. We reason with ourselves. We beat ourselves up. We provoke the sudden fork in the road. We worry about the big and little things. Or should we say "I". Me. Myself and I. Did I tell you that I am a worrier? I am one of those people that continue to think, tread and worry about things constantly. 24/7. Once I'm 'stuck' on something, my mind never stops. You could say I become obsessed. I am in constant thought; analyzing it, dreaming about it, worrying about it and figuring out what I could, would, should do. Some days, like today, become too much for me. I cannot escape my mind and my thoughts.
I keep replaying the movie Eat Pray Love about 'stilling our minds'. “You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control.” Why does that sound so easy and yet be the most challenging? I cannot still my mind to save me from my worries, my fears, my daily persecutions and demons. On days like today, I am my worst enemy. There is nothing I can say or do to change this. I mentally 'beat' myself up. I cannot seem to 'still' my mind; I have no control. It's my thoughts that hinder me, berate me and blind me. I cannot 'turn' them off. I am powerless. What an awful feeling! And this lack of power has plagued me since May where I find myself in a hurricane of early morning thoughts. They race around my head. They keep me from sleep. They keep me from reason. I am controlled by my worries, insecurities and so much more. I wish I could lay blame on someone or something else for these stirring thoughts that invade my dreams, my sleep, my day, my night and keep me from seeing the end goal or for that matter, any goal. I could tie these emotions, these thoughts to anything: a comment made about me, the attention sought but never received, a look from a stranger, a phone call, a simple text, tv show, a song on the radio or even from a conversation with a dear friend...it just doesn't matter on days like today. I blame myself for not being strong enough to conquer those raging thoughts.
Today is not a good day for me. But tomorrow will be. I am the lucky one for I have an amazing support circle of friends and family. Because of them, tomorrow will be a good day.
The day we walk away from things that hurt our souls is the day our soul sprouts wings.
You can do it, friend!!!!! Just set small goal for yourself... it's more attainable. I wanted to lose 25 lbs for my wedding, but I only lost 10 and I was supremely disappointed. But... I LOST TEN POUNDS! It's really a big accomplishment when those baby steps are taken. You can do it!
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