Change

Everyone has gone through something that has changed them in a way that they could never go back to the person they once were.  Very true.  Much to my surprise, I have changed.  Over the course of seven months, change has found me.  I opened the door, greeted the change and embraced it with a fervor like never before.  Change has become my new best friend.  It's the worst and best relationship of my life. We are like Siamese twins; bonded for life, stuck together forever.
Change has seeped into every corner of my world.  Every day, I find myself conscious of my niche in this changed world...more so than ever before.  It's funny (strange) how life surreptitiously transforms around you once you make a conscious and concerted effort to change one thing in your life.  One change.  A million changes later.  What surprises me the most is how conscious I have become of my eating habits, my physical body space, my thoughts, my feelings, my attitudes, my relationships, my new-found behaviors, how I move, the level of life exposure. Everything about me has changed.  Dramatically.  Change will do that for you.  I find myself comparing this change to a loss or, rather, a found loss?  Much like a blind person seeing for the first time: everything is new, more vivid. Alive. You actually see for the first time. The blinders are off.  Your conversations change. Your 'active' life changes.  Your social life changes.  Your day changes. And for me, my focus on both eating and exercising has changed...it consumes me like never before.  In essence, your world, as you know it, has evolved before your very eyes.  You find yourself talking about things you never imagined you would.   And as much as you fight the change, convince yourself you haven't changed...you have. You are the change - inside and out. Continually. Constantly.  Change does not stop. It scares you. It pleases you.  It depresses you. It wills you.  It makes you re-evaluate all that is "you."  You look in the mirror or listen to the words coming out of your mouth and it's not the same person.  It's perplexing. It's amazing.  It's confusing.  Everything about you has changed and this person, this body, the thoughts you possess, this new voice you have...it's not the same. Who are you?  You start to question everything because you have redefined yourself so much so that you don't even recognize "you".  And that is scary good.  Because as much as you say you would never change, you have.  And not just the outside.  Your friends and family notice - they validate the external changes, the outer shell they see.  The begin to notice the internal change(s).  Your voice clues them in.  And yet your change continues to be scrutinized every day.  All because of change.
Often times, your conversations actually start with your journey, your story and, sometimes, your struggle.  Food is no longer your best friend.  Change has taken over.  The mental, emotional and physical "you" has changed.  Change does not allow you to center your life on food anymore; only when necessary.  Your obsessions have altered.  Surreal.  A few weeks ago, I posted a comment on Facebook about how I loved to work out.  (Did I actually say that out loud?)  Change made me say that.  It's shocking.  Those words did actually eject from my mouth, straight from the heart.  The irony is that if you asked me six months ago OR one year ago OR five years ago OR even ten years ago, those words would have never been uttered from me nor would the words have had any action behind them. Cliche after cliche. I had no real staying power.  I was great outta the gate, but had no stamina.  I was all talk and no action.  My motor was running but the clutch was slipping.  I talked the talk but didn't walk the walk. Cliches done.  Excuses done.
Change is good. Change is hard.  Change is my friend.
So.  The decision to change and to accept change is not easy. Whether I like it or not, I'm holding onto change for dear life.  Still clinging.  Stuck for life.