I am stronger than what I think I am. At least that's what I tell myself. And yet this, too, is a constant mental, physical and emotional struggle that I battle every day. I know it's just a matter of will power and finding that elusive and intangible desire to be strong. Easy to say. But for me it's a matter of centering myself on the end goal and result. I arm myself every day with this 'mantra' or this so-called strength that I think I have. Every day I try. Every day I try to find strength to conquer, to work on a fit body, to overcome, to not eat that which I want to and make better choices. The strength truly does derive from within but you need friends, family and often times that one stranger giving you that extra attention, nod, smile and approval. Whatever the case may be, we all need assurance and a support system. We all need that empowerment to create our own inner strength. Often times we are not capable of finding it ourselves. We continually grasp for that hidden power. We seek strength in food or an unwelcome and negative relationship or a bad vice. I chose to drown myself in food and ignorance. I chose to be weak. I mean, I KNEW what I needed to do but I just made wrong conscious decisions; I chose to ignore the voices, the suggestions from friends and the advice from family. Don't get me wrong...I am truly not a weak person. I have strength just not the strength needed to make the right choices and to overcome my food addiction and sedentary lifestyle. I may be contradicting myself here but I was strong for all the wrong reasons. Strong in appearance because I didn't care what people thought. Strong for the girls and women I work with. Strong in my relationships. Strong in my work ethic. Just not strong when it came down to ME - the one person in this world that matters the most. Oh how I would like to shake my former self, slap her in the face and tell her to wake up! This journey has also come with a price; a deeper emotional need to prove to myself and to so many others that I have the strength to see this through. Strength to not fall victim to my own demons, my own persecutions. I fail myself daily. I've heard it all before: the strength lies within. No one or nothing can make you do that which you do not want to do. True. And no one or nothing can take the power your possess away from you; only if you let them. More true. I allowed myself to take away that power. I let myself down for so many reasons and for so many years. Wasted years.
They say a strong woman is one who is able to smile every morning like she wasn't crying last night. So true on so many levels. For years I cried every Sunday night; crying over the failed promises of the week before. Those lonely Sunday nights, I vowed to myself that this week would be different. That this week would be the week that I would take charge and start moving, start losing weight, start working out. I would make all these promises as I cried myself to sleep knowing how hard it was going to be and wondering if I could actually see it through. I would watch each week and each month pass with broken promises, unbelievable sadness and a desire to change but no strength to see it come to fruition. I did not the have the power to take that giant step, that leap of faith. Seriously. My 'armor' kept all these emotions, problems under lock and key. My facade never cracked. I never seemed to be able to answer that internal question: why? Amazingly, now I can. I know that I have regained the power to change. I see it as I look in the mirror and remind myself daily; I am more stronger than I could ever know. I can overcome. I am not alone. So here, in this moment, I find the courage to tell my story so that others can be empowered. So that I can continue to be a strength to the one person that counts the most: myself.
As. you. are.
Stronger than you know.
More beautiful than you think.
Worthier than you believe.
More loved than you can ever imagine.
Passionate about making a difference.
Fiery when protecting those you love.
Learning. Growing. Not alone.Warm.
Giving. Generous.Quirky. Sexy. Funny.
Smart.Flawed. Whole. Scared. Brave.
And so, so, so.much.more.
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