Surreal

On days like today, I remind myself of the amazing 'surreal' self-discoveries, renewed relationships and new experiences that this journey and this weight loss has brought to me thus far.  The word "surreal" keeps popping up.  I find I use the word ALL the time.  It certainly describes the euphoria felt on this journey.  Surreal.  
- It is surreal to know that as of today, I am within days of reaching a 100-pound weight loss. (I wish I could say it was a straight 100)  Frightening.  Exhilarating.  Overwhelming.  Humiliating.  Shameful.  Exciting.  (OMG, that is a person!)  I'm riding the emotional crazy train.  That mere thought makes me sob.  How did this ever happen?  And then I think: 100 down, 100 to go.  Still riding the emotional crazy train.  Still holding on for dear life.  The ups and downs make my stomach heave.  It's too high.  It's going too fast. It's going to slow. Arms up in the air.  Eyes closed. Still screaming! Will the ride ever be over?  Not soon enough. 
- It is surreal to know that I thoroughly enjoy (ok love) working out, want to continue to pursue a healthier lifestyle and ultimately make better food choices (are you sure this is me?)  You would still recognize me for sure. But you would not recognize the changes made regarding what I eat, the way I think, the inner me and the somewhat new 'physical' me.  Very surreal.  I look in the mirror. I look at my plate of food. I really look in the mirror and cannot believe the real seen and unseen change(s).  
- It is surreal that I can actually shop in a regular store like JC Penney's, Kohl's, Younkers, Target and buy clothes that fit!  I know my bank account reflects the surge of new apparel and clothing in my closet. I recently purchased a few new outfits, new dresses and even jeans. After removing my many purchases from the abundance of shopping bags, I had to sit down.  All the tags reflected such a drastic size change that I couldn't help but cry.  Who is this person wearing that size?  I don't think I know her anymore.  Considering what I was wearing or couldn't wear seven months ago, I'm riding the emotional crazy train again.  Tears of joy.  Tears of shame.  Lots and lots of tears. 
- It is surreal to look in the mirror and see actual results.  Day by day.  Week by week.  They are there if you look real close.  It's slow-going but reflective.  Still emotional and very mental.  
- It is surreal to clean out your closet knowing the clothes you wore a mere seven months ago no longer fit nor can you ever imagine that you wore them. This, by far, is the hardest and most emotional surreal a-ha moment for me.  For years I wore the same dreadful clothes over and over again. There were weeks and months that I would wear the same three things each week.  Ordering from catalogs was the norm as there were (few and far in between) stores that stocked my size and if they did the clothes didn't fit or were dreadful.  So very shameful.  So very humiliating.  
- It is surreal to do things that you didn't do a few months ago (in fact for many many years).
- It is surreal receiving extra attention or an extra look-over (I know, right?) for your inner beauty once they see your outer beauty.   It's the second glances.  It's the nod you receive. Amazingly surreal.  
- It is surreal to be able to buckle my seat belt, any seat belt without help or an extender.  How many years did I not buckle my seat belt?  Far too many to count. Shameful to admit. 
- It is surreal to realize the years of missed opportunities that have come to light.  Far too many to mention. 
- It is surreal to say that I am proud.  Do I have continual doubts that I can actually follow through.  You bet! I am not the only one who is amazed at my tenacity and follow-through. And to know that I have not wavered once is big.  Seriously. These are not easily pinned attributes; they are not words that I would use to describe myself.  New beginnings.  Proud.  I see the end goal and it is within reach.  
And lastly and most importantly...it is surreal and humbling to be called an inspiration.  It's hard to live up to.   I don't see myself that way.   I know others do and I am forever grateful for their words, their support and their inspiration.  I have many inspirations in my life when it comes to this journey; I just didn't picture myself as being that to anyone else. I am flooded by emotion when I am told that.  Then I wonder, how am I an inspiration?  How can I inspire when there are so many friends, family and people in my world that inspire me daily.  I am motivated by their words, their actions and their journey(s).  Too many to count. So many amazing journeys. 
So for one to be an inspiration or to inspire you must:  
1. To affect, guide, or arouse by divine influence
2. To fill with enlivening or exalting emotion
3.  To stimulate to action; motivate or to affect or touch
4. To draw forth; elicit or arouse
5. To be the cause or source of; bring about
I don't think I have the stamina or the fortitude to live up to those definitions.  I am not worthy to be called an inspiration...yet.  It's a pretty big responsibility to shoulder.  Me?  This is what I do know:  inspiration stems from within. I aspire to reach that each and every day.  To be inspiring you need to beat a path that may be rarely tread and know you will shine the way for others; one must speak from the heart knowing that no matter how many people touch your lives or vice versa, each of you will walk away thinking about your journey, your verve for life, your energy, your light and your faith in their and your ability to be great.  Surreal.  Maybe it is the demonstration of infectious enthusiasm?  Probably.  All the while, tooting your own horn (blogging).  You must possess passion, share your experiences and voice your most inner thoughts.  Cathartic.  (And very difficult I might add!)  To inspire you must shed insight into your truth, your story.  All this can be unimaginably difficult.  But you must be careful.  Too much truth, too much honesty, too much surrealism can hurt.  Maim.  Destroy.  Haunt.  This I do know:  my story mirrors many. I'm just a sounding board, a vehicle to help deploy the feelings, the emotions behind so many journeys that we struggle with.  It comforts those who think they are alone.  I was alone once, too.  

So...how can I be an inspiration when my end goal is so selfish?  This journey is all about me; because of me, by me and for me. Always has been.  Always will be.  How could that ever be inspiring to others.  I'm still wondering.  Do I have the qualities to influence change?   Maybe.  My advice today and tomorrow:  stay the course and love the journey. 

Such a surreal journey.