A question that I am constantly asked is: now that you have lost this weight and are literally half your size, have you noticed anything? Uh Yeah. I'm in a cyclical, ever-moving change. Ugh. There it is. again. The vicious word: Change.
Change is a constant in my life. Now. Always. It is a love-hate relationship. It is my best friend. It is my shadow. It is a bond that no matter what life holds for me, is stuck like glue to me. Today. Tomorrow. Whether I like it or not, change is here to stay. Forever. It devours my day.
I can try to discern. Attempt to explain. It is overwhelming, very emotional and noticed in every step I now take. Change. It's there. It's a permanent resident in my life. It's the unending fountain of changes that seem to spill daily that I cannot fathom. From the simple to the most complex changes and experiences that most people take for granted. I now experience. I now know. This 2+year journey has made me come face to face with some hard truths, soul-searching discoveries and mundane things smaller, active people take for granted.
Someone asked me what have I noticed now that I am practically half my size?
Well. Huh. Hard question to answer for there are so many, too many "things" that people take for granted that I could NEVER do or tried doing. Or things that I could not experience. Things like:
- sitting in a booth (often times there is a foot of distance between me and the table!. Unreal).
- my lap - I actually HAVE a lap! I can place my napkin in the proper place not securely tucked inside my shirt. In fact, my lap can hold my labtop, my bag, my coat, a child can actually sit on my lap.
- sitting in a theatre chair OR a folding chair comfortably
- sitting in a classroom setting/college setting and being able to pull down the desk
- flying - sitting in a seat and not pouring myself into the next seat and not needing an extender. crazy how a seat belt extension was used for so many years.
- walking for more than a block without having to sit down
- walking/running up and down stairs (having knee issues now so that has slowed down). now I do. even in sandals. without holding onto the railing.
- standing for long periods of time
- wearing something other than my dreaded tennis shoes (which i did every day for 15-20 years); wedge heals are my favorite (go figure)
- wearing clothes that are not on the plus side of a store
- making a healthy choice (uh yeah. I still have food issues)
- making a conscious decision to move, to exercise (and yes I still have those days where I just want to couch and netflix)
- walking on unsteady surfaces (the whole getting into a boat and out I needed two people for assistance, now I don't)
- to hygienically take care of myself. Not that I didn't. But it's easier to shave my legs now. And let's face the truth. the brutal hard truth: when I was 400+ pounds, I struggled taking care of myself. Hard truth. Brutal truth. I needed help. This truth makes me cry. Hard to swallow. Hard to tell. But for some morbidly obese people, it is valid and how they live. I am fortunate. Some people are not.
- my hair - my hair has gone through dramatic change. For better or for worse. It's finally growing. it's thriving. for awhile it was not growing; it was stagnant, fried and breaking off. ugh. weight loss will do that. that's the one thing they never tell you.
- simple household chores
- buying a t-shirt when everyone else orders one (that isn't a man-size or fits like a man)
More exciting things that I have noticed; that have changed:
- my motivation. I am motivated.
- my hands. My body - I've noted the changes specifically in my hands. They are veined, ripped if you will. They are a clear sign of the weight loss. I simply cannot fathom that change. It was about a year ago, I discovered I could take my hand and wrap my thumb and my forefinger around my opposite wrist. I absolutely love my hands. my forearm.
- clothes - have I told you that for months I have been purchasing clothes. I have been trying to 'get comfortable' and accepting of the letter "L". It stands for large. A word, a size that has never been in my wardrobe since. forever. since my middle school years. since my elementary school years. And now more recently I am trying to accept this change: the letter "M". It stands for medium. wow.
- crossing your legs - I have a big tendency to cross my legs. whenever I can, always. it's so so very surreal. so beyond surreal. and yet. it's something you take for granted.
So everyday. I rally the unexpected and expected changes. I partner with my best friend, "change" and experience a bevy of new day to day discoveries that I can do, that my body can do. It's surreal. It's comforting. It's scary. It's. Change.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Friday, April 10, 2015
Confidence?
Still. after all this weight loss. after all the changes that I have physically made to my body, to my health and to my well-being...the one constant, the one continuous obstacle I lack is confidence. And I am not the only one who is a witness to this. I am placed under scrutiny every day. by me. by others. by friends and by family.
Yet. I hear amazing compliments. More so lately. More so now than ever before.
And yet the confidence escapes me. For a moment, in time. I am ever elated after hearing this:
You are stunning.
You are so good looking.
Don't you feel so good about yourself?
You are sexy.
You are beautiful.
Yet. I do not feel these things at all. I do not see the compliments. I do not see what people are saying I don't see it. period.
I still lack the confidence to, how do you say.. pull it all off. And yet. at times I seek validation, if you will. I know that I do not need anyone's validation of the person I was or now have become. But the lack of confidence is paramount to the future of my well being. Of feeling important. Of feeling justified as a person. a woman. It's a very extreme weird concept. For years as a heavier person I had no problems being confident. I was confident for all the wrong reasons. Confident for the girls I worked with. Confident that I looked good in the same three or four dresses I wore on a weekly basis(usually it was two of the same style and different color.)
But that confidence has, for one reason or another, left the building,. Maybe it's because my body is in such a sad, distressed and stretched state, under the clothes. My weight loss has left my body in such a deflated, ugly blob state that I cannot see past it. Nor do I think anyone else will or can see past it.
It is symptom of my lack of confidence. It is a constant reminder of the damage I repeatedly placed on my body. I reeked havoc on my body for 30 years. The sheer pressure of walking, of standing, of doing 'normal' things, that you take for granted, drained me, exhausted me and completely turned me away from things I liked doing.
Today. I look in the mirror and there are monumental moments that I look back at myself and ask, "who the hell is that staring back at me?" I am afraid of the person staring back at me. She seems confident and beautiful and, for a lack of a better word, skinny.
Yet. there are days when the mirror lies to me. and my confidence that I may have had from the day before washes away. completely.
I look in the mirror and I see the "fat or morbidly obese" girl. That image, that thought scares me. beyond. How can I overcome that image. that thought? hard days ahead. courage to see the difference. confidence. always.
Yet. I hear amazing compliments. More so lately. More so now than ever before.
And yet the confidence escapes me. For a moment, in time. I am ever elated after hearing this:
You are stunning.
You are so good looking.
Don't you feel so good about yourself?
You are sexy.
You are beautiful.
Yet. I do not feel these things at all. I do not see the compliments. I do not see what people are saying I don't see it. period.
I still lack the confidence to, how do you say.. pull it all off. And yet. at times I seek validation, if you will. I know that I do not need anyone's validation of the person I was or now have become. But the lack of confidence is paramount to the future of my well being. Of feeling important. Of feeling justified as a person. a woman. It's a very extreme weird concept. For years as a heavier person I had no problems being confident. I was confident for all the wrong reasons. Confident for the girls I worked with. Confident that I looked good in the same three or four dresses I wore on a weekly basis(usually it was two of the same style and different color.)
But that confidence has, for one reason or another, left the building,. Maybe it's because my body is in such a sad, distressed and stretched state, under the clothes. My weight loss has left my body in such a deflated, ugly blob state that I cannot see past it. Nor do I think anyone else will or can see past it.
It is symptom of my lack of confidence. It is a constant reminder of the damage I repeatedly placed on my body. I reeked havoc on my body for 30 years. The sheer pressure of walking, of standing, of doing 'normal' things, that you take for granted, drained me, exhausted me and completely turned me away from things I liked doing.
Today. I look in the mirror and there are monumental moments that I look back at myself and ask, "who the hell is that staring back at me?" I am afraid of the person staring back at me. She seems confident and beautiful and, for a lack of a better word, skinny.
Yet. there are days when the mirror lies to me. and my confidence that I may have had from the day before washes away. completely.
I look in the mirror and I see the "fat or morbidly obese" girl. That image, that thought scares me. beyond. How can I overcome that image. that thought? hard days ahead. courage to see the difference. confidence. always.
Not proud
Do you think that I thought I looked bad? No.
Do you think that I thought about losing weight? Yes. all the time.
When confronted I retracted. Ate to cover my feelings of inadequacy. Of not having will power. Of not being able to control my eating/food addiction.
Do you think, at times, I was, embarrassed by my looks, by the continuous "same" clothes I wore. over and over again? Yes. of course.
But to tell my story, to tell of my change, my lifestyle change. is emotional to say the very least.
The change. of my life. was at least, 25 + years in the making. I will ponder this question always: what took me so long to make that change? To prove to myself and all the nay-sayers that I am worthy; I do have will-power, I can make a change. ON MY OWN.
My biggest problem is looking back. Because you have to look back to move forward. Looking back at pictures of yourself - hard. not proud. And if you know ANYTHING about me is that I loved to take pictures. And on rare occasions when I thought I could appear in the back of a picture or make myself look smaller, I did. To look back on those pictures is again, hard. hard moments - physically, mentally and emotionally. To see for yourself, the same clothes, worn over and over again, in pictures is surreal.
Last night at a function, I was talking to one of my close friends. She said how great I look and how she remembered me wearing the same navy dress every time I would appear on TV. I admitted to her that I had ordered at least 5-10 of those dresses and would wear them every other day, a different color. Not proud. Hard to admit. Hard to have someone tell you that. not proud. one bit.
Monday, February 24, 2014
Diet is a 4-letter word
I think there is a big misconception about my journey and lifestyle change. It is and always will be a lifestyle change of how and what I choose to eat. Not a diet. Seriously. I cannot tell you how many times I have had to correct people including my friends and followers that this is not a diet that I have chosen. That the actual word "diet" conjures up emotional meanings and implies the specific intake of nutrition or weight loss aids or strict eating choices for weight management/loss. For me, the word "diet" emotes a sense of deprivation, strict intake and allowance of nothing but certain foods; it negates everything. It is a four-letter word for sure! In the past, when I would say the word "diet", I would, in fact, do the exact opposite. The word implied too much; made me crave anything and everything that I was denying myself (all the more so) and allowed me to stumble down the road of self-destruction instead of self-improvement. "Diet" triggered too many "ends", if you will, to foods I loved and foods that were deemed bad. Every time I said I would "diet" I would negate my actions, eat anything and everything in site. I had no will-power: no will to diet. No strong conviction or courage to curb my eating habits.
I mean, we have all tried "diets". I tried diets on like clothes. I had the luxury and financial support to attempt the expensive diets from Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Weight Loss Clinic, LA Weight Loss...and so many more. Excuses or made-up reasoning, nothing seemed to work. I was told to "envision yourself as thinner person.' Truly I hated when they said that. What the hell do you think I was doing? Day-dreaming about being the weight I was? That 3-digit number that tipped the scales at 400 pounds? No. Indeed, I was dreaming of the day when I could walk into a normal store and buy my first pair of khaki pants that every girl had with the pockets in the back...the ones that I could never fit into OR the designer jeans that my friends were wearing. Do you think I didn't picture myself as size 8, 10 or even 16? I did. Every day. And for some strange reason, I did not see myself. As I was. A morbidly obese woman with no will-power. I always believed it was your problem. Not mine. What a skewed vision I had. The word diet will do that to you.
As for some of the diets, they worked. For a short time. Was I following it exactly? Doing everything they told me to do? Probably not. I remember when the Biggest Loser first aired, I had hopes of being on the program - I even printed the paperwork and filled it out but just couldn't submit it because of fear. A few years before I was married I joined Jenny Craig. It was expensive, created false hopes and offered me untrained staff. I ate the food they gave me, never supplementing the meals and then soon plateaued. I lost over 50 pounds in a short amount of time but was frustrated when the scale didn't budge. I thought I was in the zone. I had uncompromising will-power; no one or nothing could shake me! All the compliments came my way and washed all the negativity away. It all felt good but soon diminished when I resumed my old habits. Diet failure. Right before I was married in August 2000, I gained back most, if not all, the weight. There went my "diet", my resolve and my will-power.
So for me, diets will never work. For some, they do. I am not negating their dedication or their diet choice. But for me, it has been a constant and vigilant lifestyle change: Choosing to eat the right things. Choosing to eat within a certain caloric range. Choosing to not cheat my calories (who I am really hurting anyway? myself of course). And. Choosing to move, to exercise, to become fit so I can live life and not just exist.
In the end, it's not a short-term diet. It's a long-term lifestyle change. Always. Forever.
I mean, we have all tried "diets". I tried diets on like clothes. I had the luxury and financial support to attempt the expensive diets from Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Weight Loss Clinic, LA Weight Loss...and so many more. Excuses or made-up reasoning, nothing seemed to work. I was told to "envision yourself as thinner person.' Truly I hated when they said that. What the hell do you think I was doing? Day-dreaming about being the weight I was? That 3-digit number that tipped the scales at 400 pounds? No. Indeed, I was dreaming of the day when I could walk into a normal store and buy my first pair of khaki pants that every girl had with the pockets in the back...the ones that I could never fit into OR the designer jeans that my friends were wearing. Do you think I didn't picture myself as size 8, 10 or even 16? I did. Every day. And for some strange reason, I did not see myself. As I was. A morbidly obese woman with no will-power. I always believed it was your problem. Not mine. What a skewed vision I had. The word diet will do that to you.
As for some of the diets, they worked. For a short time. Was I following it exactly? Doing everything they told me to do? Probably not. I remember when the Biggest Loser first aired, I had hopes of being on the program - I even printed the paperwork and filled it out but just couldn't submit it because of fear. A few years before I was married I joined Jenny Craig. It was expensive, created false hopes and offered me untrained staff. I ate the food they gave me, never supplementing the meals and then soon plateaued. I lost over 50 pounds in a short amount of time but was frustrated when the scale didn't budge. I thought I was in the zone. I had uncompromising will-power; no one or nothing could shake me! All the compliments came my way and washed all the negativity away. It all felt good but soon diminished when I resumed my old habits. Diet failure. Right before I was married in August 2000, I gained back most, if not all, the weight. There went my "diet", my resolve and my will-power.
So for me, diets will never work. For some, they do. I am not negating their dedication or their diet choice. But for me, it has been a constant and vigilant lifestyle change: Choosing to eat the right things. Choosing to eat within a certain caloric range. Choosing to not cheat my calories (who I am really hurting anyway? myself of course). And. Choosing to move, to exercise, to become fit so I can live life and not just exist.
In the end, it's not a short-term diet. It's a long-term lifestyle change. Always. Forever.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Addicted
I have had a food addiction all my life. One could say that I am very much like an alcoholic when it comes to food. The problem is that you need food to survive; you need food to function. You eat what tastes good because frankly, it's fu*&ing fantastic! You eat what you want! You eat because you want more! You eat on the go! You eat because you want to; you think you need to and you overeat. You eat because you are suppressing feelings. You eat because everyone else is eating. You eat because you want seconds. You eat because it's just there. You eat when no one is looking. You eat to comfort yourself. You eat for so many reasons. So many WRONG reasons. I still do not know why food has this hold, this power over me. And why it still has had me in its grips for so long. For so many years. I continually question why eating seemed to solve everything or nothing. Why did I turn to food when life became too much? Why does food make every social situation better? Why do we eat just to eat? What made me feel empowered to sneak food? I attempt every day to discern why food makes me crazy, makes me cry, makes me so emotional and cause serious regret. Why does food have that power and conversely, why do I allow or give food that power, that control? Maybe I have been a creature of habit?! For so many years, eating was my solace, my comfort and my best friend.
Food has always controlled my every waking moment. I cannot begin to tell you the anxiety it has caused from every type of social situation to family gatherings, holidays and my early independence. Even now after months of curbing or rather changing my eating habits, I'm still furtively searching for those answers. Recently I have had a few 'moments'. Moments I would rather forget. Moments that do not make me proud. These moments do not surround the obvious; I found myself crying about the missed food opportunities. I felt stupid, shameful and down right depressed. It was and has been very emotional. Yet. It will always be emotional. In fact, I could not stop crying. People were looking at me! Staring. Oh the humility! Why was I crying? Seeing all those yummy foods I use to feel entitled to? Foods that I enjoyed with every part of my being (so much so that I would eat the entire package, box or bag in one sitting). All my trigger foods. All that holiday fun food! I started to cry. Seriously. Tears were streaming down my face. I couldn't handle the emotion. Thinking about it now still makes me feel ashamed. So very ashamed. I was bawling like a child in the "holiday food isle" all because of the food that I no longer allow myself to have. And to know that I purposely walked down those isles is even more crazy. So pathetic. Depressing. Sad. Why?
But maintaining any weight loss requires constant vigilance and discipline. Above all, I know this. When I measure my morning serving of peanut butter for my low fat English muffin, I do allow myself to lick the spoon/knife and sometimes add just a bit more. And there we go. Allowing myself to lick the spoon or knife could be a slippery slope leading to reckless consumption. No control over food and perhaps food controlling me again. I vow to myself that will NEVER happen again. I have the power. I took it back. I have the control. I relish that. No licking the spoon today. Or tomorrow.
Even now, I look back to the times I thought there wasn't enough food to satisfy me. Still. I experience days like that but my vision, my outlook, my clarity keeps my continued hope, vigilance and power to succeed alive. Yes there are days I am not satisfied with my food choices. But I know what I need to eat to survive; to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I abide by that every day. I may not like it. I may have some emotional fits but there are no "I'm off my diet" days. I'm not on a diet. It is and always will be a way of life. A lifestyle change. And that, my friends, has been one of the biggest battles: to educate people that this is not a diet but my way of living now.
So for now. My name is Christina. I have a food addiction problem. And today I have control over it. I will no longer give into this addiction; I will not allow it to have power over me. Today. Tomorrow. Next week. Next month. Next year. The power is within. Always.
Food has always controlled my every waking moment. I cannot begin to tell you the anxiety it has caused from every type of social situation to family gatherings, holidays and my early independence. Even now after months of curbing or rather changing my eating habits, I'm still furtively searching for those answers. Recently I have had a few 'moments'. Moments I would rather forget. Moments that do not make me proud. These moments do not surround the obvious; I found myself crying about the missed food opportunities. I felt stupid, shameful and down right depressed. It was and has been very emotional. Yet. It will always be emotional. In fact, I could not stop crying. People were looking at me! Staring. Oh the humility! Why was I crying? Seeing all those yummy foods I use to feel entitled to? Foods that I enjoyed with every part of my being (so much so that I would eat the entire package, box or bag in one sitting). All my trigger foods. All that holiday fun food! I started to cry. Seriously. Tears were streaming down my face. I couldn't handle the emotion. Thinking about it now still makes me feel ashamed. So very ashamed. I was bawling like a child in the "holiday food isle" all because of the food that I no longer allow myself to have. And to know that I purposely walked down those isles is even more crazy. So pathetic. Depressing. Sad. Why?
I mean it's not that I have lost a friend or relative. But it feels like. Why is the fun, sweet/salty/greasy foods, for most like me, our drug of choice? And why does everything that tastes so amazing seem to have the most calories? In recent blogs, I mentioned that I have no regrets. Recanting that statement. For sure. I, at all times, want what I can't have. It will continue to haunt me. To scare me. To tear me down.
But maintaining any weight loss requires constant vigilance and discipline. Above all, I know this. When I measure my morning serving of peanut butter for my low fat English muffin, I do allow myself to lick the spoon/knife and sometimes add just a bit more. And there we go. Allowing myself to lick the spoon or knife could be a slippery slope leading to reckless consumption. No control over food and perhaps food controlling me again. I vow to myself that will NEVER happen again. I have the power. I took it back. I have the control. I relish that. No licking the spoon today. Or tomorrow.
Even now, I look back to the times I thought there wasn't enough food to satisfy me. Still. I experience days like that but my vision, my outlook, my clarity keeps my continued hope, vigilance and power to succeed alive. Yes there are days I am not satisfied with my food choices. But I know what I need to eat to survive; to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I abide by that every day. I may not like it. I may have some emotional fits but there are no "I'm off my diet" days. I'm not on a diet. It is and always will be a way of life. A lifestyle change. And that, my friends, has been one of the biggest battles: to educate people that this is not a diet but my way of living now.
So for now. My name is Christina. I have a food addiction problem. And today I have control over it. I will no longer give into this addiction; I will not allow it to have power over me. Today. Tomorrow. Next week. Next month. Next year. The power is within. Always.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Overlooked?
I have been overlooked all my life. Always. As a result, you (I) have a more heightened sense of being overlooked. People who pay attention or don't pay attention. It's difficult to describe that feeling. Because all your life, you been an invisible passenger on the road of life. In your heart, you know, no matter how hard you try, heavy/fat/obese people are continually overlooked because of their weight. Overlooked because you are not the beautiful thin girl. Overlooked by a prospective job/employer. Overlooked by men. Overlooked by so many people. Overlooked on so many levels and in so many situations. Overlooked because you are, simply stated: fat. Not worthy. Hopeless. Overlooked because you are not skinny. Overlooked. Always.
I don't want you thinking, like most people often do, that I have low self esteem. I don't. I have never allowed my weight to determine my outlook. I have had those moments. But my public persona, the person you see is full of life, self-assured, outgoing, funny, (one could say obnoxious at times) and most often, the center of attention. I put on my armor, my smile, my laugh and the facade is safe. Secure.
But facts are facts. I know the facts. Faced them head on. I know what I know. I know what I see. I know the truth. No, this is not a pity party. It's just what I have observed and what I have been a witness to while being a 'fat girl'. When you are "the fat girl" you have a more heightened sense of people who pay attention to you for all the wrong reasons and those people who do not pay attention to you. You continually want and wish certain ones would pay more attention to you but it never happens. When you do receive the desired attention, it is negative, not wanted and crushing. When you become invisible or overlooked, you see things that no one else sees; which saddens you. You notice the good looks and the bad looks, the stares, the mean comments made while people look directly at you and side bar to their friend. Mostly you recognize the non-verbal communication and the attitudes people exude. You witness these first hand. Always.
I've seen it ALL my life. And as much as I would tell my "thin" friend, "yeah that guy couldn't keep his eyes off you." she didn't believe me. Because I know they are NOT looking at me. If they were looking at me, it was because I'm the fat girl and perhaps they're wondering "why does she even try?" When you are overlooked and fat, you do become invisible to a certain degree. No one pays attention to you in a crowd, in a conversation. Nothing. Ironic. But so true. Maybe that's why I thrived in that "live large, laugh loud and don't care what people think" environment for so long. Always. Center of attention at whatever cost. Forever ago. Hoping and wishing for the pursuit of a first look, a nod of approval from the opposite sex or an engaging moment. Always hoping. Always looking. Always waiting.
Blogger's note: Prior to releasing this blog, I had a moment of clarity, self-discovery. Did I allow myself to be overlooked all these years? Did I purposely create a wall. A wall of fat. A barrier so that I wouldn't be hurt? Could my weight be my barrier to being overlooked? Could that have hindered any hopeful connections? The jury is still out.
So for you who think that I am funny or have classified me the class clown or the girl who laughs or the funny fat girl...well, it's been because I have been overlooked. Once you tune into your constant surroundings, your facade begins. You may be aching, scared, sad on the inside but you're not going to let the outside world know that. You laugh. You smile loudly. You find happiness as best as you can before the cloud of gloom and your daily persecutions kick you to the curb. You validate your own existence by being the center of attention at any cost to yourself or others. Mostly to yourself. If you're funny, then it's ok - you're in. If you're not funny or the life of the party, you're invisible. Overlooked.
So for as much weight as I lose, I know I will continue to be overlooked. I know my personality makes me a gorgeous person inside and outside. I do not need anyone to validate that. I validate that myself. But I will never be model material, I will never be a size 5, 7 or 9. This is not low-self esteem talking, it's facts. You know there is that formula; that quotient where once you get to know people they become more beautiful, gorgeous than when you first discovered them? Their personality, their humor, their eye twinkle make them unbelievably gorgeous, handsome, sexy, beautiful. I believe in that formula, that magic. Always.
Yes this journey is not only about weight loss and healthy living but it has become a journey in changing from the inside out. It's on-going. Cathartic. Introspective. A constant self-discovery of who I was vs. who I am. Now. I no longer will allow myself to be overlooked. I am. Beautiful. Worthy. Soon to be thinner. Now and always.
I don't want you thinking, like most people often do, that I have low self esteem. I don't. I have never allowed my weight to determine my outlook. I have had those moments. But my public persona, the person you see is full of life, self-assured, outgoing, funny, (one could say obnoxious at times) and most often, the center of attention. I put on my armor, my smile, my laugh and the facade is safe. Secure.
But facts are facts. I know the facts. Faced them head on. I know what I know. I know what I see. I know the truth. No, this is not a pity party. It's just what I have observed and what I have been a witness to while being a 'fat girl'. When you are "the fat girl" you have a more heightened sense of people who pay attention to you for all the wrong reasons and those people who do not pay attention to you. You continually want and wish certain ones would pay more attention to you but it never happens. When you do receive the desired attention, it is negative, not wanted and crushing. When you become invisible or overlooked, you see things that no one else sees; which saddens you. You notice the good looks and the bad looks, the stares, the mean comments made while people look directly at you and side bar to their friend. Mostly you recognize the non-verbal communication and the attitudes people exude. You witness these first hand. Always.
I've seen it ALL my life. And as much as I would tell my "thin" friend, "yeah that guy couldn't keep his eyes off you." she didn't believe me. Because I know they are NOT looking at me. If they were looking at me, it was because I'm the fat girl and perhaps they're wondering "why does she even try?" When you are overlooked and fat, you do become invisible to a certain degree. No one pays attention to you in a crowd, in a conversation. Nothing. Ironic. But so true. Maybe that's why I thrived in that "live large, laugh loud and don't care what people think" environment for so long. Always. Center of attention at whatever cost. Forever ago. Hoping and wishing for the pursuit of a first look, a nod of approval from the opposite sex or an engaging moment. Always hoping. Always looking. Always waiting.
Blogger's note: Prior to releasing this blog, I had a moment of clarity, self-discovery. Did I allow myself to be overlooked all these years? Did I purposely create a wall. A wall of fat. A barrier so that I wouldn't be hurt? Could my weight be my barrier to being overlooked? Could that have hindered any hopeful connections? The jury is still out.
So for you who think that I am funny or have classified me the class clown or the girl who laughs or the funny fat girl...well, it's been because I have been overlooked. Once you tune into your constant surroundings, your facade begins. You may be aching, scared, sad on the inside but you're not going to let the outside world know that. You laugh. You smile loudly. You find happiness as best as you can before the cloud of gloom and your daily persecutions kick you to the curb. You validate your own existence by being the center of attention at any cost to yourself or others. Mostly to yourself. If you're funny, then it's ok - you're in. If you're not funny or the life of the party, you're invisible. Overlooked.
So for as much weight as I lose, I know I will continue to be overlooked. I know my personality makes me a gorgeous person inside and outside. I do not need anyone to validate that. I validate that myself. But I will never be model material, I will never be a size 5, 7 or 9. This is not low-self esteem talking, it's facts. You know there is that formula; that quotient where once you get to know people they become more beautiful, gorgeous than when you first discovered them? Their personality, their humor, their eye twinkle make them unbelievably gorgeous, handsome, sexy, beautiful. I believe in that formula, that magic. Always.
Yes this journey is not only about weight loss and healthy living but it has become a journey in changing from the inside out. It's on-going. Cathartic. Introspective. A constant self-discovery of who I was vs. who I am. Now. I no longer will allow myself to be overlooked. I am. Beautiful. Worthy. Soon to be thinner. Now and always.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Half way
Half way there. Doesn't seem possible. I am flooded, drowning with emotion. Half the hurdles jumped. More to come. So many more. Higher. Intangible. Harder. No one said it was going to be easy. I know it's worth it. I'm worth it. 100 pounds down. 100+ more to go. Will I win the battle, overcome the battle and take charge? How can I possibly do that? Right from the start I set milestones for myself. Because this journey is all about me, my milestones are personal. Now after seven months I met and conquered two of them; met them head on and succeeded. Amazing me. So Proud. Scared shitless. They say if you set yourself up for failure, you will fail big. If you set yourself up for success, you will succeed. Now my quest, my mission is reaching the next three milestones. How can I ever imagine to meet them? This is the question at hand. All those self-help, self-proclaimed gurus/know-it-alls say to break the next 100 pounds into smaller, more manageable (and celebratory) goals. Done. Sounds easy. Everything sounds easy but it's not. I know I am only half way there. So the real test, the real challenge, the real fight is still ahead of me. Looming. I see the hurdles. Unimaginable fear. Intangible goals. Big leaps of faith. Still scared shitless.
So, how do successful people succeed? What is their secret? How do they succeed, reach their goals and have their amazing success in life? The secret, I have discovered, is a positive mental attitude. It is the one simple trait found in the world's most successful people. It also seems intangible. There are days that one could say I possess a positive mental attitude. And other days, it seems the world is falling on top of me. The strength to overcome is overwhelming and the negative seeps in. Like tar, it weighs you down, pulls at you until you have no strength and does not free you...it stymies you, it negates everything. You become a part of the muck and mire around you. You could be surrounded by your best friends, best people in your life and yet you feel like you're drowning. I'm one of the lucky ones. I have an amazing support system that just keeps growing. But know this, I have my days where my demons and my negativity beat me up.
If we surround ourselves with people who are successful, who are forward-moving, who are positive, who are focused on producing results, who support us, it will challenge us to be more and do more. If you can surround yourself with people who will never let you settle for less than you can be, you have the greatest gift that anyone can hope for. - Tony Robbins.
I have achieved much success these last many months. I was recently asked how I do this, day after day, calorie after calorie. I hesitated, contemplated my word choice. Finally I said, "I just do it." No rhyme, no reason. It's what I do now. I don't have any after thoughts; I don't have any regrets. I just do it. It's a part of me. Then my friend asked me if I wanted a donut, a candy bar, a bag of candy, anything off the menu, dessert, anything sweet. Hell yes I do. I crave it everyday but I know that success isn't built on going backward. This misstep would cause, what I know would be, an avalanche of wrong eating, wrong habits and again, negate, all that I have achieved. I am not that person who sabotages myself. At least I consciously do not. I have had friends and family attempt to sabotage my journey by telling me how great I've done, now treat yourself. Ha. I 'treated' myself for so many years, wasted years. Treat after treat got me to that 3-digit number and abstaining from those treats will get me to that desired 3-digit number. Seriously. I see the finish line, the goal line. It's a distant blur, but will soon come in focus. It is attainable. It is goal-worthy. I am worthy.
So, how do successful people succeed? What is their secret? How do they succeed, reach their goals and have their amazing success in life? The secret, I have discovered, is a positive mental attitude. It is the one simple trait found in the world's most successful people. It also seems intangible. There are days that one could say I possess a positive mental attitude. And other days, it seems the world is falling on top of me. The strength to overcome is overwhelming and the negative seeps in. Like tar, it weighs you down, pulls at you until you have no strength and does not free you...it stymies you, it negates everything. You become a part of the muck and mire around you. You could be surrounded by your best friends, best people in your life and yet you feel like you're drowning. I'm one of the lucky ones. I have an amazing support system that just keeps growing. But know this, I have my days where my demons and my negativity beat me up.
If we surround ourselves with people who are successful, who are forward-moving, who are positive, who are focused on producing results, who support us, it will challenge us to be more and do more. If you can surround yourself with people who will never let you settle for less than you can be, you have the greatest gift that anyone can hope for. - Tony Robbins.
I have achieved much success these last many months. I was recently asked how I do this, day after day, calorie after calorie. I hesitated, contemplated my word choice. Finally I said, "I just do it." No rhyme, no reason. It's what I do now. I don't have any after thoughts; I don't have any regrets. I just do it. It's a part of me. Then my friend asked me if I wanted a donut, a candy bar, a bag of candy, anything off the menu, dessert, anything sweet. Hell yes I do. I crave it everyday but I know that success isn't built on going backward. This misstep would cause, what I know would be, an avalanche of wrong eating, wrong habits and again, negate, all that I have achieved. I am not that person who sabotages myself. At least I consciously do not. I have had friends and family attempt to sabotage my journey by telling me how great I've done, now treat yourself. Ha. I 'treated' myself for so many years, wasted years. Treat after treat got me to that 3-digit number and abstaining from those treats will get me to that desired 3-digit number. Seriously. I see the finish line, the goal line. It's a distant blur, but will soon come in focus. It is attainable. It is goal-worthy. I am worthy.
Three more milestones; 365+ more days, countless work-out sessions, endless calorie counting, healthy eating choices and ultimate fear. Am I ready for the hard work to begin? I am scared. I am so scared that all this will be for naught; that I will regress, lose sight of my end goal and not have the strength to overcome my internal sabotage.
"Don't let anyone every break your soul.
You have to stand on your own two feet and stand up for yourself.
There are those what would give anything to see you fail, but you must never give them the satisfaction.
Hold your head up high, smile and stand your own ground."
The journey is worth it. I am worth it. I see the hurdles, the so very high hurdles, the impossible and intangible hurdles. I can do this - 21 weeks and 40 pounds will be realized. Here I come Milestone #3!
"Don't let anyone every break your soul.
You have to stand on your own two feet and stand up for yourself.
There are those what would give anything to see you fail, but you must never give them the satisfaction.
Hold your head up high, smile and stand your own ground."
The journey is worth it. I am worth it. I see the hurdles, the so very high hurdles, the impossible and intangible hurdles. I can do this - 21 weeks and 40 pounds will be realized. Here I come Milestone #3!
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