I never chose to be fat. I made excuses all my life about being fat which led to the unconscious decision to be fat. I can say that now. Excuse after excuse after excuse.
Excuse #1 - I have big bones.
Excuse #2 - I'm not really an exercise person and I don't really have time to exercise.
Excuse #3 - Everyone else is eating that so why can't I?
Excuse #4 - Life is too short to spend it dieting.
Excuse #5 - People should accept me as I am. There is nothing wrong with me; I'm perfect as is!
Excuse #6 - I inherited the tendency to be heavy - it's genetic!
Excuse #7 - I never eat and I'm still fat.
Excuse #8 - I was taught bad eating habits.
Excuse #9 - It's too close to the holidays; I'll start January 1.
Excuse #10 - I like being fat. God meant for me to be fat.
Excuse #11 - Losing weight is hard.
Excuse #12 - More cushion for the pushin' LOL.
and Excuse #1001 - I have my MRS degree now.
How many more excuses? Hundreds. Could I ever be stronger than my excuses? Yes. 35+ years later the excuses are done. Here's the question - does one actually make a conscious decision to be fat? For years I knew I was a big girl or 'the big girl' and apparently had such a distorted picture of myself that it didn't bother me. That was a part of my "war" armor. I knew I was pretty, funny, outgoing and dressed decent. I had validation from friends and family. The problem was that I actually thought I was much smaller. That aided in my confidence, killer smile and charismatic personality. Like Charlie Brown's Pig Pen, I walked around in a cloud - a confident cloud. And until I was on the receiving end of a mean look or stare that was demeaning, it never truly was an issue. But then I avoided clothing stores and tried my best to ignore the mean joke, comment or brutal cat call that often followed me. You'd think after all these years part of my armor would have included thick skin.
People think that just because you're fat, overweight, obese you never tried. It's not that I never tried. I did. Seriously. Did I put my heart and soul into it? Obviously not. Here's the question - Do you really think I planned or wanted to be known as the 'fat girl?' Yeah no. That certainly was not my life's mission but it may seem that way. I mean it's not like it was on my 'bucket list.' I tried diets on like clothes. I had the luxury and financial support to attempt the expensive diets from Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Weight Loss Clinic, LA Weight Loss...and so many more. Excuses or made-up reasoning, nothing seemed to work. I was told to "envision yourself as thinner person.' God I hated when they said that. I mean, some of the diet plans worked; worked for a short time. Was I following it exactly? Doing everything they told me to do? Probably not. I remember when the Biggest Loser first aired, I had hopes of being on the program - I even printed the paperwork and filled it out but just couldn't submit it because of fear. A few years before I was married I joined Jenny Craig. It was expensive, created false hopes and offered me untrained staff. I ate the food they gave me, never supplementing the meals and then soon plateaued. I lost over 50 pounds in a short amount of time but was frustrated when the scale didn't budge. I thought I was in the zone. I had uncompromising will-power; no one or nothing could shake me! All the compliments came my way and washed all the negativity away. It all felt good but soon diminished when I resumed my old habits. Right before I was married in August 2000, I gained back most, if not all, the weight. Depressing. More excuses ensued. Soon after the wedding and a job change later, the scale at the doctor's office confirmed my worst fears - I was tippng the scale at a 3 digit number that horrified me. Extremely embarassing and shocking. And yet, my compulsions did not stop. Mentally I knew what I needed to do (I could write a book about what I should and could do); physically my body screamed out "you're killing me!"; and emotionally, I locked my racing thoughts in a vault so I could forget. I just put on my smile, put on my armor, ate and continued on...
Until now.
Excuse #1 - I have big bones.
Excuse #2 - I'm not really an exercise person and I don't really have time to exercise.
Excuse #3 - Everyone else is eating that so why can't I?
Excuse #4 - Life is too short to spend it dieting.
Excuse #5 - People should accept me as I am. There is nothing wrong with me; I'm perfect as is!
Excuse #6 - I inherited the tendency to be heavy - it's genetic!
Excuse #7 - I never eat and I'm still fat.
Excuse #8 - I was taught bad eating habits.
Excuse #9 - It's too close to the holidays; I'll start January 1.
Excuse #10 - I like being fat. God meant for me to be fat.
Excuse #11 - Losing weight is hard.
Excuse #12 - More cushion for the pushin' LOL.
and Excuse #1001 - I have my MRS degree now.
How many more excuses? Hundreds. Could I ever be stronger than my excuses? Yes. 35+ years later the excuses are done. Here's the question - does one actually make a conscious decision to be fat? For years I knew I was a big girl or 'the big girl' and apparently had such a distorted picture of myself that it didn't bother me. That was a part of my "war" armor. I knew I was pretty, funny, outgoing and dressed decent. I had validation from friends and family. The problem was that I actually thought I was much smaller. That aided in my confidence, killer smile and charismatic personality. Like Charlie Brown's Pig Pen, I walked around in a cloud - a confident cloud. And until I was on the receiving end of a mean look or stare that was demeaning, it never truly was an issue. But then I avoided clothing stores and tried my best to ignore the mean joke, comment or brutal cat call that often followed me. You'd think after all these years part of my armor would have included thick skin.
People think that just because you're fat, overweight, obese you never tried. It's not that I never tried. I did. Seriously. Did I put my heart and soul into it? Obviously not. Here's the question - Do you really think I planned or wanted to be known as the 'fat girl?' Yeah no. That certainly was not my life's mission but it may seem that way. I mean it's not like it was on my 'bucket list.' I tried diets on like clothes. I had the luxury and financial support to attempt the expensive diets from Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Weight Loss Clinic, LA Weight Loss...and so many more. Excuses or made-up reasoning, nothing seemed to work. I was told to "envision yourself as thinner person.' God I hated when they said that. I mean, some of the diet plans worked; worked for a short time. Was I following it exactly? Doing everything they told me to do? Probably not. I remember when the Biggest Loser first aired, I had hopes of being on the program - I even printed the paperwork and filled it out but just couldn't submit it because of fear. A few years before I was married I joined Jenny Craig. It was expensive, created false hopes and offered me untrained staff. I ate the food they gave me, never supplementing the meals and then soon plateaued. I lost over 50 pounds in a short amount of time but was frustrated when the scale didn't budge. I thought I was in the zone. I had uncompromising will-power; no one or nothing could shake me! All the compliments came my way and washed all the negativity away. It all felt good but soon diminished when I resumed my old habits. Right before I was married in August 2000, I gained back most, if not all, the weight. Depressing. More excuses ensued. Soon after the wedding and a job change later, the scale at the doctor's office confirmed my worst fears - I was tippng the scale at a 3 digit number that horrified me. Extremely embarassing and shocking. And yet, my compulsions did not stop. Mentally I knew what I needed to do (I could write a book about what I should and could do); physically my body screamed out "you're killing me!"; and emotionally, I locked my racing thoughts in a vault so I could forget. I just put on my smile, put on my armor, ate and continued on...
Until now.
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