I am stronger than what I think I am. At least that's what I tell myself. And yet this, too, is a constant mental, physical and emotional struggle that I battle every day. I know it's just a matter of will power and finding that elusive and intangible desire to be strong. Easy to say. But for me it's a matter of centering myself on the end goal and result. I arm myself every day with this 'mantra' or this so-called strength that I think I have. Every day I try. Every day I try to find strength to conquer, to work on a fit body, to overcome, to not eat that which I want to and make better choices. The strength truly does derive from within but you need friends, family and often times that one stranger giving you that extra attention, nod, smile and approval. Whatever the case may be, we all need assurance and a support system. We all need that empowerment to create our own inner strength. Often times we are not capable of finding it ourselves. We continually grasp for that hidden power. We seek strength in food or an unwelcome and negative relationship or a bad vice. I chose to drown myself in food and ignorance. I chose to be weak. I mean, I KNEW what I needed to do but I just made wrong conscious decisions; I chose to ignore the voices, the suggestions from friends and the advice from family. Don't get me wrong...I am truly not a weak person. I have strength just not the strength needed to make the right choices and to overcome my food addiction and sedentary lifestyle. I may be contradicting myself here but I was strong for all the wrong reasons. Strong in appearance because I didn't care what people thought. Strong for the girls and women I work with. Strong in my relationships. Strong in my work ethic. Just not strong when it came down to ME - the one person in this world that matters the most. Oh how I would like to shake my former self, slap her in the face and tell her to wake up! This journey has also come with a price; a deeper emotional need to prove to myself and to so many others that I have the strength to see this through. Strength to not fall victim to my own demons, my own persecutions. I fail myself daily. I've heard it all before: the strength lies within. No one or nothing can make you do that which you do not want to do. True. And no one or nothing can take the power your possess away from you; only if you let them. More true. I allowed myself to take away that power. I let myself down for so many reasons and for so many years. Wasted years.
They say a strong woman is one who is able to smile every morning like she wasn't crying last night. So true on so many levels. For years I cried every Sunday night; crying over the failed promises of the week before. Those lonely Sunday nights, I vowed to myself that this week would be different. That this week would be the week that I would take charge and start moving, start losing weight, start working out. I would make all these promises as I cried myself to sleep knowing how hard it was going to be and wondering if I could actually see it through. I would watch each week and each month pass with broken promises, unbelievable sadness and a desire to change but no strength to see it come to fruition. I did not the have the power to take that giant step, that leap of faith. Seriously. My 'armor' kept all these emotions, problems under lock and key. My facade never cracked. I never seemed to be able to answer that internal question: why? Amazingly, now I can. I know that I have regained the power to change. I see it as I look in the mirror and remind myself daily; I am more stronger than I could ever know. I can overcome. I am not alone. So here, in this moment, I find the courage to tell my story so that others can be empowered. So that I can continue to be a strength to the one person that counts the most: myself.
As. you. are.
Stronger than you know.
More beautiful than you think.
Worthier than you believe.
More loved than you can ever imagine.
Passionate about making a difference.
Fiery when protecting those you love.
Learning. Growing. Not alone.Warm.
Giving. Generous.Quirky. Sexy. Funny.
Smart.Flawed. Whole. Scared. Brave.
And so, so, so.much.more.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
the Battle - part 2
"You can have results or you can have your excuses. You cannot have both." - Unknown
I never chose to be fat. I made excuses all my life about being fat which led to the unconscious decision to be fat. I can say that now. Excuse after excuse after excuse.
Excuse #1 - I have big bones.
Excuse #2 - I'm not really an exercise person and I don't really have time to exercise.
Excuse #3 - Everyone else is eating that so why can't I?
Excuse #4 - Life is too short to spend it dieting.
Excuse #5 - People should accept me as I am. There is nothing wrong with me; I'm perfect as is!
Excuse #6 - I inherited the tendency to be heavy - it's genetic!
Excuse #7 - I never eat and I'm still fat.
Excuse #8 - I was taught bad eating habits.
Excuse #9 - It's too close to the holidays; I'll start January 1.
Excuse #10 - I like being fat. God meant for me to be fat.
Excuse #11 - Losing weight is hard.
Excuse #12 - More cushion for the pushin' LOL.
and Excuse #1001 - I have my MRS degree now.
How many more excuses? Hundreds. Could I ever be stronger than my excuses? Yes. 35+ years later the excuses are done. Here's the question - does one actually make a conscious decision to be fat? For years I knew I was a big girl or 'the big girl' and apparently had such a distorted picture of myself that it didn't bother me. That was a part of my "war" armor. I knew I was pretty, funny, outgoing and dressed decent. I had validation from friends and family. The problem was that I actually thought I was much smaller. That aided in my confidence, killer smile and charismatic personality. Like Charlie Brown's Pig Pen, I walked around in a cloud - a confident cloud. And until I was on the receiving end of a mean look or stare that was demeaning, it never truly was an issue. But then I avoided clothing stores and tried my best to ignore the mean joke, comment or brutal cat call that often followed me. You'd think after all these years part of my armor would have included thick skin.
People think that just because you're fat, overweight, obese you never tried. It's not that I never tried. I did. Seriously. Did I put my heart and soul into it? Obviously not. Here's the question - Do you really think I planned or wanted to be known as the 'fat girl?' Yeah no. That certainly was not my life's mission but it may seem that way. I mean it's not like it was on my 'bucket list.' I tried diets on like clothes. I had the luxury and financial support to attempt the expensive diets from Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Weight Loss Clinic, LA Weight Loss...and so many more. Excuses or made-up reasoning, nothing seemed to work. I was told to "envision yourself as thinner person.' God I hated when they said that. I mean, some of the diet plans worked; worked for a short time. Was I following it exactly? Doing everything they told me to do? Probably not. I remember when the Biggest Loser first aired, I had hopes of being on the program - I even printed the paperwork and filled it out but just couldn't submit it because of fear. A few years before I was married I joined Jenny Craig. It was expensive, created false hopes and offered me untrained staff. I ate the food they gave me, never supplementing the meals and then soon plateaued. I lost over 50 pounds in a short amount of time but was frustrated when the scale didn't budge. I thought I was in the zone. I had uncompromising will-power; no one or nothing could shake me! All the compliments came my way and washed all the negativity away. It all felt good but soon diminished when I resumed my old habits. Right before I was married in August 2000, I gained back most, if not all, the weight. Depressing. More excuses ensued. Soon after the wedding and a job change later, the scale at the doctor's office confirmed my worst fears - I was tippng the scale at a 3 digit number that horrified me. Extremely embarassing and shocking. And yet, my compulsions did not stop. Mentally I knew what I needed to do (I could write a book about what I should and could do); physically my body screamed out "you're killing me!"; and emotionally, I locked my racing thoughts in a vault so I could forget. I just put on my smile, put on my armor, ate and continued on...
Until now.
Excuse #1 - I have big bones.
Excuse #2 - I'm not really an exercise person and I don't really have time to exercise.
Excuse #3 - Everyone else is eating that so why can't I?
Excuse #4 - Life is too short to spend it dieting.
Excuse #5 - People should accept me as I am. There is nothing wrong with me; I'm perfect as is!
Excuse #6 - I inherited the tendency to be heavy - it's genetic!
Excuse #7 - I never eat and I'm still fat.
Excuse #8 - I was taught bad eating habits.
Excuse #9 - It's too close to the holidays; I'll start January 1.
Excuse #10 - I like being fat. God meant for me to be fat.
Excuse #11 - Losing weight is hard.
Excuse #12 - More cushion for the pushin' LOL.
and Excuse #1001 - I have my MRS degree now.
How many more excuses? Hundreds. Could I ever be stronger than my excuses? Yes. 35+ years later the excuses are done. Here's the question - does one actually make a conscious decision to be fat? For years I knew I was a big girl or 'the big girl' and apparently had such a distorted picture of myself that it didn't bother me. That was a part of my "war" armor. I knew I was pretty, funny, outgoing and dressed decent. I had validation from friends and family. The problem was that I actually thought I was much smaller. That aided in my confidence, killer smile and charismatic personality. Like Charlie Brown's Pig Pen, I walked around in a cloud - a confident cloud. And until I was on the receiving end of a mean look or stare that was demeaning, it never truly was an issue. But then I avoided clothing stores and tried my best to ignore the mean joke, comment or brutal cat call that often followed me. You'd think after all these years part of my armor would have included thick skin.
People think that just because you're fat, overweight, obese you never tried. It's not that I never tried. I did. Seriously. Did I put my heart and soul into it? Obviously not. Here's the question - Do you really think I planned or wanted to be known as the 'fat girl?' Yeah no. That certainly was not my life's mission but it may seem that way. I mean it's not like it was on my 'bucket list.' I tried diets on like clothes. I had the luxury and financial support to attempt the expensive diets from Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Weight Loss Clinic, LA Weight Loss...and so many more. Excuses or made-up reasoning, nothing seemed to work. I was told to "envision yourself as thinner person.' God I hated when they said that. I mean, some of the diet plans worked; worked for a short time. Was I following it exactly? Doing everything they told me to do? Probably not. I remember when the Biggest Loser first aired, I had hopes of being on the program - I even printed the paperwork and filled it out but just couldn't submit it because of fear. A few years before I was married I joined Jenny Craig. It was expensive, created false hopes and offered me untrained staff. I ate the food they gave me, never supplementing the meals and then soon plateaued. I lost over 50 pounds in a short amount of time but was frustrated when the scale didn't budge. I thought I was in the zone. I had uncompromising will-power; no one or nothing could shake me! All the compliments came my way and washed all the negativity away. It all felt good but soon diminished when I resumed my old habits. Right before I was married in August 2000, I gained back most, if not all, the weight. Depressing. More excuses ensued. Soon after the wedding and a job change later, the scale at the doctor's office confirmed my worst fears - I was tippng the scale at a 3 digit number that horrified me. Extremely embarassing and shocking. And yet, my compulsions did not stop. Mentally I knew what I needed to do (I could write a book about what I should and could do); physically my body screamed out "you're killing me!"; and emotionally, I locked my racing thoughts in a vault so I could forget. I just put on my smile, put on my armor, ate and continued on...
Until now.
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