Half way

Half way there.  Doesn't seem possible.  I am flooded, drowning with emotion.  Half the hurdles jumped.  More to come. So many more.  Higher.  Intangible. Harder.  No one said it was going to be easy.  I know it's worth it.  I'm worth it. 100 pounds down.  100+ more to go.  Will I win the battle, overcome the battle and take charge?  How can I possibly do that? Right from the start I set milestones for myself.  Because this journey is all about me, my milestones are personal.  Now after seven months I met and conquered two of them; met them head on and succeeded.  Amazing me.  So Proud.  Scared shitless.  They say if you set yourself up for failure, you will fail big.  If you set yourself up for success, you will succeed.  Now my quest, my mission is reaching the next three milestones.  How can I ever imagine to meet them?  This is the question at hand.  All those self-help, self-proclaimed gurus/know-it-alls say to break the next 100 pounds into smaller, more manageable (and celebratory) goals.  Done. Sounds easy.  Everything sounds easy but it's not.  I know I am only half way there.  So the real test, the real challenge, the real fight is still ahead of me. Looming.  I see the hurdles. Unimaginable fear.  Intangible goals.  Big leaps of faith.  Still scared shitless.  
So, how do successful people succeed?  What is their secret?  How do they succeed, reach their goals and have their amazing success in life?  The secret, I have discovered, is a positive mental attitude.  It is the one simple trait found in the world's most successful people.  It also seems intangible.  There are days that one could say I possess a positive mental attitude.  And other days, it seems the world is falling on top of me.  The strength to overcome is overwhelming and the negative seeps in.  Like tar, it weighs you down, pulls at you until you have no strength and does not free you...it stymies you, it negates everything.  You become a part of the muck and mire around you.    You could be surrounded by your best friends, best people in your life and yet you feel like you're drowning.  I'm one of the lucky ones.  I have an amazing support system that just keeps growing.  But know this, I have my days where my demons and my negativity beat me up.  
If we surround ourselves with people who are successful, who are forward-moving, who are positive, who are focused on producing results, who support us, it will challenge us to be more and do more. If you can surround yourself with people who will never let you settle for less than you can be,  you have the greatest gift that anyone can hope for. - Tony Robbins.  
I have achieved much success these last many months.  I was recently asked how I do this, day after day, calorie after calorie.  I hesitated, contemplated my word choice.  Finally I said, "I just do it."  No rhyme, no reason.  It's what I do now.  I don't have any after thoughts; I don't have any regrets. I just do it.  It's a part of me.  Then my friend asked me if I wanted a donut, a candy bar, a bag of candy, anything off the menu, dessert, anything sweet.  Hell yes I do.  I crave it everyday but I know that success isn't built on going backward.  This misstep would cause, what I know would be, an avalanche of wrong eating, wrong habits and again, negate, all that I have achieved.  I am not that person who sabotages myself.  At least I consciously do not.  I have had friends and family attempt to sabotage my journey by telling me how great I've done, now treat yourself.  Ha.   I 'treated' myself for so many years, wasted years.  Treat after treat got me to that 3-digit number and abstaining from those treats will get me to that desired 3-digit number.  Seriously.  I see the finish line, the goal line.  It's a distant blur, but will soon come in focus. It is attainable.  It is goal-worthy.  I am worthy.  

Three more milestones; 365+ more days, countless work-out sessions, endless calorie counting, healthy eating choices and ultimate fear.  Am I ready for the hard work to begin?  I am scared.  I am so scared that all this will be for naught; that I will regress, lose sight of my end goal and not have the strength to overcome my internal sabotage.

"Don't let anyone every break your soul.
You have to stand on your own two feet and stand up for yourself.
There are those what would give anything to see you fail, but you must never give them the satisfaction.
Hold your head up high, smile and stand your own ground."

The journey is worth it.  I am worth it. I see the hurdles, the so very high hurdles, the impossible and intangible hurdles.  I can do this - 21 weeks and 40 pounds will be realized.  Here I come Milestone #3!

Change

Everyone has gone through something that has changed them in a way that they could never go back to the person they once were.  Very true.  Much to my surprise, I have changed.  Over the course of seven months, change has found me.  I opened the door, greeted the change and embraced it with a fervor like never before.  Change has become my new best friend.  It's the worst and best relationship of my life. We are like Siamese twins; bonded for life, stuck together forever.
Change has seeped into every corner of my world.  Every day, I find myself conscious of my niche in this changed world...more so than ever before.  It's funny (strange) how life surreptitiously transforms around you once you make a conscious and concerted effort to change one thing in your life.  One change.  A million changes later.  What surprises me the most is how conscious I have become of my eating habits, my physical body space, my thoughts, my feelings, my attitudes, my relationships, my new-found behaviors, how I move, the level of life exposure. Everything about me has changed.  Dramatically.  Change will do that for you.  I find myself comparing this change to a loss or, rather, a found loss?  Much like a blind person seeing for the first time: everything is new, more vivid. Alive. You actually see for the first time. The blinders are off.  Your conversations change. Your 'active' life changes.  Your social life changes.  Your day changes. And for me, my focus on both eating and exercising has changed...it consumes me like never before.  In essence, your world, as you know it, has evolved before your very eyes.  You find yourself talking about things you never imagined you would.   And as much as you fight the change, convince yourself you haven't changed...you have. You are the change - inside and out. Continually. Constantly.  Change does not stop. It scares you. It pleases you.  It depresses you. It wills you.  It makes you re-evaluate all that is "you."  You look in the mirror or listen to the words coming out of your mouth and it's not the same person.  It's perplexing. It's amazing.  It's confusing.  Everything about you has changed and this person, this body, the thoughts you possess, this new voice you have...it's not the same. Who are you?  You start to question everything because you have redefined yourself so much so that you don't even recognize "you".  And that is scary good.  Because as much as you say you would never change, you have.  And not just the outside.  Your friends and family notice - they validate the external changes, the outer shell they see.  The begin to notice the internal change(s).  Your voice clues them in.  And yet your change continues to be scrutinized every day.  All because of change.
Often times, your conversations actually start with your journey, your story and, sometimes, your struggle.  Food is no longer your best friend.  Change has taken over.  The mental, emotional and physical "you" has changed.  Change does not allow you to center your life on food anymore; only when necessary.  Your obsessions have altered.  Surreal.  A few weeks ago, I posted a comment on Facebook about how I loved to work out.  (Did I actually say that out loud?)  Change made me say that.  It's shocking.  Those words did actually eject from my mouth, straight from the heart.  The irony is that if you asked me six months ago OR one year ago OR five years ago OR even ten years ago, those words would have never been uttered from me nor would the words have had any action behind them. Cliche after cliche. I had no real staying power.  I was great outta the gate, but had no stamina.  I was all talk and no action.  My motor was running but the clutch was slipping.  I talked the talk but didn't walk the walk. Cliches done.  Excuses done.
Change is good. Change is hard.  Change is my friend.
So.  The decision to change and to accept change is not easy. Whether I like it or not, I'm holding onto change for dear life.  Still clinging.  Stuck for life.

Surreal

On days like today, I remind myself of the amazing 'surreal' self-discoveries, renewed relationships and new experiences that this journey and this weight loss has brought to me thus far.  The word "surreal" keeps popping up.  I find I use the word ALL the time.  It certainly describes the euphoria felt on this journey.  Surreal.  
- It is surreal to know that as of today, I am within days of reaching a 100-pound weight loss. (I wish I could say it was a straight 100)  Frightening.  Exhilarating.  Overwhelming.  Humiliating.  Shameful.  Exciting.  (OMG, that is a person!)  I'm riding the emotional crazy train.  That mere thought makes me sob.  How did this ever happen?  And then I think: 100 down, 100 to go.  Still riding the emotional crazy train.  Still holding on for dear life.  The ups and downs make my stomach heave.  It's too high.  It's going too fast. It's going to slow. Arms up in the air.  Eyes closed. Still screaming! Will the ride ever be over?  Not soon enough. 
- It is surreal to know that I thoroughly enjoy (ok love) working out, want to continue to pursue a healthier lifestyle and ultimately make better food choices (are you sure this is me?)  You would still recognize me for sure. But you would not recognize the changes made regarding what I eat, the way I think, the inner me and the somewhat new 'physical' me.  Very surreal.  I look in the mirror. I look at my plate of food. I really look in the mirror and cannot believe the real seen and unseen change(s).  
- It is surreal that I can actually shop in a regular store like JC Penney's, Kohl's, Younkers, Target and buy clothes that fit!  I know my bank account reflects the surge of new apparel and clothing in my closet. I recently purchased a few new outfits, new dresses and even jeans. After removing my many purchases from the abundance of shopping bags, I had to sit down.  All the tags reflected such a drastic size change that I couldn't help but cry.  Who is this person wearing that size?  I don't think I know her anymore.  Considering what I was wearing or couldn't wear seven months ago, I'm riding the emotional crazy train again.  Tears of joy.  Tears of shame.  Lots and lots of tears. 
- It is surreal to look in the mirror and see actual results.  Day by day.  Week by week.  They are there if you look real close.  It's slow-going but reflective.  Still emotional and very mental.  
- It is surreal to clean out your closet knowing the clothes you wore a mere seven months ago no longer fit nor can you ever imagine that you wore them. This, by far, is the hardest and most emotional surreal a-ha moment for me.  For years I wore the same dreadful clothes over and over again. There were weeks and months that I would wear the same three things each week.  Ordering from catalogs was the norm as there were (few and far in between) stores that stocked my size and if they did the clothes didn't fit or were dreadful.  So very shameful.  So very humiliating.  
- It is surreal to do things that you didn't do a few months ago (in fact for many many years).
- It is surreal receiving extra attention or an extra look-over (I know, right?) for your inner beauty once they see your outer beauty.   It's the second glances.  It's the nod you receive. Amazingly surreal.  
- It is surreal to be able to buckle my seat belt, any seat belt without help or an extender.  How many years did I not buckle my seat belt?  Far too many to count. Shameful to admit. 
- It is surreal to realize the years of missed opportunities that have come to light.  Far too many to mention. 
- It is surreal to say that I am proud.  Do I have continual doubts that I can actually follow through.  You bet! I am not the only one who is amazed at my tenacity and follow-through. And to know that I have not wavered once is big.  Seriously. These are not easily pinned attributes; they are not words that I would use to describe myself.  New beginnings.  Proud.  I see the end goal and it is within reach.  
And lastly and most importantly...it is surreal and humbling to be called an inspiration.  It's hard to live up to.   I don't see myself that way.   I know others do and I am forever grateful for their words, their support and their inspiration.  I have many inspirations in my life when it comes to this journey; I just didn't picture myself as being that to anyone else. I am flooded by emotion when I am told that.  Then I wonder, how am I an inspiration?  How can I inspire when there are so many friends, family and people in my world that inspire me daily.  I am motivated by their words, their actions and their journey(s).  Too many to count. So many amazing journeys. 
So for one to be an inspiration or to inspire you must:  
1. To affect, guide, or arouse by divine influence
2. To fill with enlivening or exalting emotion
3.  To stimulate to action; motivate or to affect or touch
4. To draw forth; elicit or arouse
5. To be the cause or source of; bring about
I don't think I have the stamina or the fortitude to live up to those definitions.  I am not worthy to be called an inspiration...yet.  It's a pretty big responsibility to shoulder.  Me?  This is what I do know:  inspiration stems from within. I aspire to reach that each and every day.  To be inspiring you need to beat a path that may be rarely tread and know you will shine the way for others; one must speak from the heart knowing that no matter how many people touch your lives or vice versa, each of you will walk away thinking about your journey, your verve for life, your energy, your light and your faith in their and your ability to be great.  Surreal.  Maybe it is the demonstration of infectious enthusiasm?  Probably.  All the while, tooting your own horn (blogging).  You must possess passion, share your experiences and voice your most inner thoughts.  Cathartic.  (And very difficult I might add!)  To inspire you must shed insight into your truth, your story.  All this can be unimaginably difficult.  But you must be careful.  Too much truth, too much honesty, too much surrealism can hurt.  Maim.  Destroy.  Haunt.  This I do know:  my story mirrors many. I'm just a sounding board, a vehicle to help deploy the feelings, the emotions behind so many journeys that we struggle with.  It comforts those who think they are alone.  I was alone once, too.  

So...how can I be an inspiration when my end goal is so selfish?  This journey is all about me; because of me, by me and for me. Always has been.  Always will be.  How could that ever be inspiring to others.  I'm still wondering.  Do I have the qualities to influence change?   Maybe.  My advice today and tomorrow:  stay the course and love the journey. 

Such a surreal journey. 
  

Not a Good Day

Every day we battle something.  We battle our thoughts.  We battle for control.  And every day we struggle.  I struggle.  Today I am struggling.  It's not that I don't know why I am on this life changing journey and know the end result is worth it.  A post from one of those self-help/positive quotes Facebook groups said it best:  "it's not going to be easy, it's going to be worth it."  I know without any doubt that it is.  I've seen progress and that excites me to no end.  It's just today is not a good day. I cannot just 'smile' my worries/problems/thoughts away.  I am an open book so to mask my corrupt and negative thoughts is hard; I cannot just shelve them and forget them.  Emotionally.  Mentally.  Physically.
We all have these days in life.  And when you're on a journey for self-control, we tend to fall off the path for one reason or another. We reason with ourselves.  We beat ourselves up. We provoke the sudden fork in the road.  We worry about the big and little things.  Or should we say "I".  Me. Myself and I.  Did I tell you that I am a worrier?  I am one of those people that continue to think, tread and worry about things constantly.  24/7.  Once I'm 'stuck' on something, my mind never stops.  You could say I become obsessed.  I am in constant thought; analyzing it, dreaming about it, worrying about it and figuring out what I could, would, should do.  Some days, like today, become too much for me. I cannot escape my mind and my thoughts.  
I keep replaying the movie Eat Pray Love about 'stilling our minds'.  “You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control.”  Why does that sound so easy and yet be the most challenging?  I cannot still my mind to save me from my worries, my fears, my daily persecutions and demons.  On days like today, I am my worst enemy.   There is nothing I can say or do to change this.  I mentally 'beat' myself up.  I cannot seem to 'still' my mind; I have no control.  It's my thoughts that hinder me, berate me and blind me.  I cannot 'turn' them off.  I am powerless.  What an awful feeling!  And this lack of power has plagued me since May where I find myself in a hurricane of early morning thoughts.  They race around my head.  They keep me from sleep.  They keep me from reason.  I am controlled by my worries, insecurities and so much more.  I wish I could lay blame on someone or something else for these stirring thoughts that invade my dreams, my sleep, my day, my night and keep me from seeing the end goal or for that matter, any goal.  I could tie these emotions, these thoughts to anything:  a comment made about me, the attention sought but never received, a look from a stranger, a phone call, a simple text, tv show, a song on the radio or even from a conversation with a dear friend...it just doesn't matter on days like today.  I blame myself for not being strong enough to conquer those raging thoughts.  

Today is not a good day for me.  But tomorrow will be.  I am the lucky one for I have an amazing support circle of friends and family.  Because of them, tomorrow will be a good day.

The day we walk away from things that hurt our souls is the day our soul sprouts wings.