A question that I am constantly asked is: now that you have lost this weight and are literally half your size, have you noticed anything? Uh Yeah. I'm in a cyclical, ever-moving change. Ugh. There it is. again. The vicious word: Change.
Change is a constant in my life. Now. Always. It is a love-hate relationship. It is my best friend. It is my shadow. It is a bond that no matter what life holds for me, is stuck like glue to me. Today. Tomorrow. Whether I like it or not, change is here to stay. Forever. It devours my day.
I can try to discern. Attempt to explain. It is overwhelming, very emotional and noticed in every step I now take. Change. It's there. It's a permanent resident in my life. It's the unending fountain of changes that seem to spill daily that I cannot fathom. From the simple to the most complex changes and experiences that most people take for granted. I now experience. I now know. This 2+year journey has made me come face to face with some hard truths, soul-searching discoveries and mundane things smaller, active people take for granted.
Someone asked me what have I noticed now that I am practically half my size?
Well. Huh. Hard question to answer for there are so many, too many "things" that people take for granted that I could NEVER do or tried doing. Or things that I could not experience. Things like:
- sitting in a booth (often times there is a foot of distance between me and the table!. Unreal).
- my lap - I actually HAVE a lap! I can place my napkin in the proper place not securely tucked inside my shirt. In fact, my lap can hold my labtop, my bag, my coat, a child can actually sit on my lap.
- sitting in a theatre chair OR a folding chair comfortably
- sitting in a classroom setting/college setting and being able to pull down the desk
- flying - sitting in a seat and not pouring myself into the next seat and not needing an extender. crazy how a seat belt extension was used for so many years.
- walking for more than a block without having to sit down
- walking/running up and down stairs (having knee issues now so that has slowed down). now I do. even in sandals. without holding onto the railing.
- standing for long periods of time
- wearing something other than my dreaded tennis shoes (which i did every day for 15-20 years); wedge heals are my favorite (go figure)
- wearing clothes that are not on the plus side of a store
- making a healthy choice (uh yeah. I still have food issues)
- making a conscious decision to move, to exercise (and yes I still have those days where I just want to couch and netflix)
- walking on unsteady surfaces (the whole getting into a boat and out I needed two people for assistance, now I don't)
- to hygienically take care of myself. Not that I didn't. But it's easier to shave my legs now. And let's face the truth. the brutal hard truth: when I was 400+ pounds, I struggled taking care of myself. Hard truth. Brutal truth. I needed help. This truth makes me cry. Hard to swallow. Hard to tell. But for some morbidly obese people, it is valid and how they live. I am fortunate. Some people are not.
- my hair - my hair has gone through dramatic change. For better or for worse. It's finally growing. it's thriving. for awhile it was not growing; it was stagnant, fried and breaking off. ugh. weight loss will do that. that's the one thing they never tell you.
- simple household chores
- buying a t-shirt when everyone else orders one (that isn't a man-size or fits like a man)
More exciting things that I have noticed; that have changed:
- my motivation. I am motivated.
- my hands. My body - I've noted the changes specifically in my hands. They are veined, ripped if you will. They are a clear sign of the weight loss. I simply cannot fathom that change. It was about a year ago, I discovered I could take my hand and wrap my thumb and my forefinger around my opposite wrist. I absolutely love my hands. my forearm.
- clothes - have I told you that for months I have been purchasing clothes. I have been trying to 'get comfortable' and accepting of the letter "L". It stands for large. A word, a size that has never been in my wardrobe since. forever. since my middle school years. since my elementary school years. And now more recently I am trying to accept this change: the letter "M". It stands for medium. wow.
- crossing your legs - I have a big tendency to cross my legs. whenever I can, always. it's so so very surreal. so beyond surreal. and yet. it's something you take for granted.
So everyday. I rally the unexpected and expected changes. I partner with my best friend, "change" and experience a bevy of new day to day discoveries that I can do, that my body can do. It's surreal. It's comforting. It's scary. It's. Change.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Friday, April 10, 2015
Confidence?
Still. after all this weight loss. after all the changes that I have physically made to my body, to my health and to my well-being...the one constant, the one continuous obstacle I lack is confidence. And I am not the only one who is a witness to this. I am placed under scrutiny every day. by me. by others. by friends and by family.
Yet. I hear amazing compliments. More so lately. More so now than ever before.
And yet the confidence escapes me. For a moment, in time. I am ever elated after hearing this:
You are stunning.
You are so good looking.
Don't you feel so good about yourself?
You are sexy.
You are beautiful.
Yet. I do not feel these things at all. I do not see the compliments. I do not see what people are saying I don't see it. period.
I still lack the confidence to, how do you say.. pull it all off. And yet. at times I seek validation, if you will. I know that I do not need anyone's validation of the person I was or now have become. But the lack of confidence is paramount to the future of my well being. Of feeling important. Of feeling justified as a person. a woman. It's a very extreme weird concept. For years as a heavier person I had no problems being confident. I was confident for all the wrong reasons. Confident for the girls I worked with. Confident that I looked good in the same three or four dresses I wore on a weekly basis(usually it was two of the same style and different color.)
But that confidence has, for one reason or another, left the building,. Maybe it's because my body is in such a sad, distressed and stretched state, under the clothes. My weight loss has left my body in such a deflated, ugly blob state that I cannot see past it. Nor do I think anyone else will or can see past it.
It is symptom of my lack of confidence. It is a constant reminder of the damage I repeatedly placed on my body. I reeked havoc on my body for 30 years. The sheer pressure of walking, of standing, of doing 'normal' things, that you take for granted, drained me, exhausted me and completely turned me away from things I liked doing.
Today. I look in the mirror and there are monumental moments that I look back at myself and ask, "who the hell is that staring back at me?" I am afraid of the person staring back at me. She seems confident and beautiful and, for a lack of a better word, skinny.
Yet. there are days when the mirror lies to me. and my confidence that I may have had from the day before washes away. completely.
I look in the mirror and I see the "fat or morbidly obese" girl. That image, that thought scares me. beyond. How can I overcome that image. that thought? hard days ahead. courage to see the difference. confidence. always.
Yet. I hear amazing compliments. More so lately. More so now than ever before.
And yet the confidence escapes me. For a moment, in time. I am ever elated after hearing this:
You are stunning.
You are so good looking.
Don't you feel so good about yourself?
You are sexy.
You are beautiful.
Yet. I do not feel these things at all. I do not see the compliments. I do not see what people are saying I don't see it. period.
I still lack the confidence to, how do you say.. pull it all off. And yet. at times I seek validation, if you will. I know that I do not need anyone's validation of the person I was or now have become. But the lack of confidence is paramount to the future of my well being. Of feeling important. Of feeling justified as a person. a woman. It's a very extreme weird concept. For years as a heavier person I had no problems being confident. I was confident for all the wrong reasons. Confident for the girls I worked with. Confident that I looked good in the same three or four dresses I wore on a weekly basis(usually it was two of the same style and different color.)
But that confidence has, for one reason or another, left the building,. Maybe it's because my body is in such a sad, distressed and stretched state, under the clothes. My weight loss has left my body in such a deflated, ugly blob state that I cannot see past it. Nor do I think anyone else will or can see past it.
It is symptom of my lack of confidence. It is a constant reminder of the damage I repeatedly placed on my body. I reeked havoc on my body for 30 years. The sheer pressure of walking, of standing, of doing 'normal' things, that you take for granted, drained me, exhausted me and completely turned me away from things I liked doing.
Today. I look in the mirror and there are monumental moments that I look back at myself and ask, "who the hell is that staring back at me?" I am afraid of the person staring back at me. She seems confident and beautiful and, for a lack of a better word, skinny.
Yet. there are days when the mirror lies to me. and my confidence that I may have had from the day before washes away. completely.
I look in the mirror and I see the "fat or morbidly obese" girl. That image, that thought scares me. beyond. How can I overcome that image. that thought? hard days ahead. courage to see the difference. confidence. always.
Not proud
Do you think that I thought I looked bad? No.
Do you think that I thought about losing weight? Yes. all the time.
When confronted I retracted. Ate to cover my feelings of inadequacy. Of not having will power. Of not being able to control my eating/food addiction.
Do you think, at times, I was, embarrassed by my looks, by the continuous "same" clothes I wore. over and over again? Yes. of course.
But to tell my story, to tell of my change, my lifestyle change. is emotional to say the very least.
The change. of my life. was at least, 25 + years in the making. I will ponder this question always: what took me so long to make that change? To prove to myself and all the nay-sayers that I am worthy; I do have will-power, I can make a change. ON MY OWN.
My biggest problem is looking back. Because you have to look back to move forward. Looking back at pictures of yourself - hard. not proud. And if you know ANYTHING about me is that I loved to take pictures. And on rare occasions when I thought I could appear in the back of a picture or make myself look smaller, I did. To look back on those pictures is again, hard. hard moments - physically, mentally and emotionally. To see for yourself, the same clothes, worn over and over again, in pictures is surreal.
Last night at a function, I was talking to one of my close friends. She said how great I look and how she remembered me wearing the same navy dress every time I would appear on TV. I admitted to her that I had ordered at least 5-10 of those dresses and would wear them every other day, a different color. Not proud. Hard to admit. Hard to have someone tell you that. not proud. one bit.
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