I think there is a big misconception about my journey and lifestyle change. It is and always will be a lifestyle change of how and what I choose to eat. Not a diet. Seriously. I cannot tell you how many times I have had to correct people including my friends and followers that this is not a diet that I have chosen. That the actual word "diet" conjures up emotional meanings and implies the specific intake of nutrition or weight loss aids or strict eating choices for weight management/loss. For me, the word "diet" emotes a sense of deprivation, strict intake and allowance of nothing but certain foods; it negates everything. It is a four-letter word for sure! In the past, when I would say the word "diet", I would, in fact, do the exact opposite. The word implied too much; made me crave anything and everything that I was denying myself (all the more so) and allowed me to stumble down the road of self-destruction instead of self-improvement. "Diet" triggered too many "ends", if you will, to foods I loved and foods that were deemed bad. Every time I said I would "diet" I would negate my actions, eat anything and everything in site. I had no will-power: no will to diet. No strong conviction or courage to curb my eating habits.
I mean, we have all tried "diets". I tried diets on like clothes. I had the luxury and financial support to attempt the expensive diets from Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Weight Loss Clinic, LA Weight Loss...and so many more. Excuses or made-up reasoning, nothing seemed to work. I was told to "envision yourself as thinner person.' Truly I hated when they said that. What the hell do you think I was doing? Day-dreaming about being the weight I was? That 3-digit number that tipped the scales at 400 pounds? No. Indeed, I was dreaming of the day when I could walk into a normal store and buy my first pair of khaki pants that every girl had with the pockets in the back...the ones that I could never fit into OR the designer jeans that my friends were wearing. Do you think I didn't picture myself as size 8, 10 or even 16? I did. Every day. And for some strange reason, I did not see myself. As I was. A morbidly obese woman with no will-power. I always believed it was your problem. Not mine. What a skewed vision I had. The word diet will do that to you.
As for some of the diets, they worked. For a short time. Was I following it exactly? Doing everything they told me to do? Probably not. I remember when the Biggest Loser first aired, I had hopes of being on the program - I even printed the paperwork and filled it out but just couldn't submit it because of fear. A few years before I was married I joined Jenny Craig. It was expensive, created false hopes and offered me untrained staff. I ate the food they gave me, never supplementing the meals and then soon plateaued. I lost over 50 pounds in a short amount of time but was frustrated when the scale didn't budge. I thought I was in the zone. I had uncompromising will-power; no one or nothing could shake me! All the compliments came my way and washed all the negativity away. It all felt good but soon diminished when I resumed my old habits. Diet failure. Right before I was married in August 2000, I gained back most, if not all, the weight. There went my "diet", my resolve and my will-power.
So for me, diets will never work. For some, they do. I am not negating their dedication or their diet choice. But for me, it has been a constant and vigilant lifestyle change: Choosing to eat the right things. Choosing to eat within a certain caloric range. Choosing to not cheat my calories (who I am really hurting anyway? myself of course). And. Choosing to move, to exercise, to become fit so I can live life and not just exist.
In the end, it's not a short-term diet. It's a long-term lifestyle change. Always. Forever.
