Diet is a 4-letter word

I think there is a big misconception about my journey and lifestyle change.  It is and always will be a lifestyle change of how and what I choose to eat. Not a diet. Seriously. I cannot tell you how many times I  have had to correct people including my friends and followers that this is not a diet that I have chosen.  That the actual word "diet" conjures up emotional meanings and implies the specific intake of nutrition or weight loss aids or strict eating choices for weight management/loss.  For me, the word "diet" emotes a sense of deprivation, strict intake and allowance of nothing but certain foods; it negates everything.  It is a four-letter word for sure! In the past, when I would say the word "diet", I would, in fact, do the exact opposite.  The word implied too much; made me crave anything and everything that I was denying myself (all the more so) and allowed me to stumble down the road of self-destruction instead of self-improvement.  "Diet" triggered too many "ends", if you will, to foods I loved and foods that were deemed bad. Every time I said I would "diet" I would negate my actions, eat anything and everything in site.  I had no will-power: no will to diet.  No strong conviction or courage to curb my eating habits. 
I mean, we have all tried "diets".  I tried diets on like clothes.  I had the luxury and financial support to attempt the expensive diets from Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Weight Loss Clinic, LA Weight Loss...and so many more.  Excuses or made-up reasoning, nothing seemed to work.  I was told to "envision yourself as thinner person.'  Truly I hated when they said that. What the hell do you think I was doing?  Day-dreaming about being the weight I was?  That 3-digit number that tipped the scales at 400 pounds?  No.  Indeed, I was dreaming of the day when I could walk into a normal store and buy my first pair of khaki pants that every girl had with the pockets in the back...the ones that I could never fit into OR the designer jeans that my friends were wearing.  Do you think I didn't picture myself as size 8, 10 or even 16?  I did.  Every day.  And for some strange reason, I did not see myself.  As I was. A morbidly obese woman with no will-power.   I always believed it was your problem.  Not mine.  What a skewed vision I had.  The word diet will do that to you. 
As for some of the diets, they worked.  For a short time.  Was I following it exactly?  Doing everything they told me to do?  Probably not.  I remember when the Biggest Loser first aired, I had hopes of being on the program - I even printed the paperwork and filled it out but just couldn't submit it because of fear. A few years before I was married I joined Jenny Craig.  It was expensive, created false hopes and offered me untrained staff.  I ate the food they gave me, never supplementing the meals and then soon plateaued.  I lost over 50 pounds in a short amount of time but was frustrated when the scale didn't budge.  I thought I was in the zone. I had uncompromising will-power; no one or nothing could shake me!   All the compliments came my way and washed all the negativity away.   It all felt good but soon diminished when I resumed my old habits.  Diet failure.  Right before I was married in August 2000, I gained back most, if not all, the weight.  There went my "diet", my resolve and my will-power.  
So for me, diets will never work.  For some, they do. I am not negating their dedication or their diet choice. But for me, it has been a constant and vigilant lifestyle change:  Choosing to eat the right things.  Choosing to eat within a certain caloric range.  Choosing to not cheat my calories (who I am really hurting anyway?  myself of course).  And.  Choosing to move, to exercise, to become fit so I can live life and not just exist. 
In the end, it's not a short-term diet.  It's a long-term lifestyle change. Always. Forever.

Addicted

I have had a food addiction all my life.  One could say that I am very much like an alcoholic when it comes to food. The problem is that you need food to survive; you need food to function.  You eat what tastes good because frankly, it's fu*&ing fantastic!  You eat what you want! You eat because you want more!  You eat on the go!  You eat because you want to; you think you need to and you overeat.  You eat because you are suppressing feelings.  You eat because everyone else is eating. You eat because you want seconds.  You eat because it's just there.  You eat when no one is looking.   You eat to comfort yourself.  You eat for so many reasons.  So many WRONG reasons.  I still do not know why food has this hold, this power over me.  And why it still has had me in its grips for so long. For so many years. I continually question why eating seemed to solve everything or nothing.  Why did I turn to food when life became too much?  Why does food make every social situation better?  Why do we eat just to eat?  What made me feel empowered to sneak food?  I attempt every day to discern why food makes me crazy, makes me cry, makes me so emotional and cause serious regret.  Why does food have that power and conversely, why do I allow or give food that power, that control? Maybe I have been a creature of habit?!  For so many years, eating was my solace, my comfort and my best friend.

Food has always controlled my every waking moment. I cannot begin to tell you the anxiety it has caused from every type of social situation to family gatherings, holidays and my early independence.  Even now after months of curbing or rather changing my eating habits, I'm still furtively searching for those answers.  Recently I have had a few 'moments'.  Moments I would rather forget. Moments that do not make me proud.  These moments do not surround the obvious; I found myself crying about the missed food opportunities.  I felt stupid, shameful and down right depressed. It was and has been very emotional.  Yet. It will always be emotional.   In fact, I could not stop crying. People were looking at me!  Staring.  Oh the humility!  Why was I crying?   Seeing all those yummy foods I use to feel entitled to?  Foods that I enjoyed with every part of my being (so much so that I would eat the entire package, box or bag in one sitting).  All my trigger foods.  All that holiday fun food!  I started to cry.  Seriously.  Tears were streaming down my face.  I couldn't handle the emotion.  Thinking about it now still makes me feel ashamed. So very ashamed. I was bawling like a child in the "holiday food isle" all because of the food that I no longer allow myself to have.  And to know that I purposely walked down those isles is even more crazy.  So pathetic. Depressing.  Sad.  Why?

I mean it's not that I have lost a friend or relative.  But it feels like. Why is the fun, sweet/salty/greasy foods, for most like me, our drug of choice?  And why does everything that tastes so amazing seem to have the most calories?  In recent blogs, I mentioned that I have no regrets. Recanting that statement. For sure.  I, at all times, want what I can't have. It will continue to haunt me.  To scare me.  To tear me down.  

But maintaining any weight loss requires constant vigilance and discipline. Above all, I know this. When I measure my morning serving of peanut butter for my low fat English muffin, I do allow myself to lick the spoon/knife and sometimes add just a bit more.  And there we go.  Allowing myself to lick the spoon or knife could be a slippery slope leading to reckless consumption. No control over food and perhaps food controlling me again.  I vow to myself that will NEVER happen again.  I have the power.  I took it back.  I have the control. I relish that. No licking the spoon today.  Or tomorrow. 

Even now, I look back to the times I thought there wasn't enough food to satisfy me. Still. I experience days like that but my vision, my outlook, my clarity keeps my continued hope, vigilance and power to succeed alive.  Yes there are days I am not satisfied with my food choices.  But I know what I need to eat to survive; to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I abide by that every day.  I may not like it.  I may have some emotional fits but there are no "I'm off my diet" days.  I'm not on a diet.  It is and always will be a way of life.  A lifestyle change.  And that, my friends,  has been one of the biggest battles:  to educate people that this is not a diet but my way of living now. 

So for now.  My name is Christina.  I have a food addiction problem.  And today I have control over it.  I will no longer give into this addiction; I will not allow it to have power over me.  Today.  Tomorrow. Next week. Next month.  Next year.  The power is within.  Always.