Overlooked?

I have been overlooked all my life.  Always.  As a result, you (I) have a more heightened sense of being overlooked.  People who pay attention or don't pay attention.    It's difficult to describe that feeling.  Because all your life, you been an invisible passenger on the road of life.  In your heart, you know, no matter how hard you try, heavy/fat/obese people are continually overlooked because of their weight.  Overlooked because you are not the beautiful thin girl.  Overlooked by a prospective job/employer.   Overlooked by men.  Overlooked by so many people.  Overlooked on so many levels and in so many situations.  Overlooked because you are, simply stated:  fat.  Not worthy.  Hopeless.  Overlooked because you are not skinny.  Overlooked.  Always.

I don't want you thinking, like most people often do, that I have low self esteem. I don't. I have never allowed my weight to determine my outlook.  I have had those moments.  But my public persona, the person you see is full of life, self-assured, outgoing, funny, (one could say obnoxious at times) and most often, the center of attention.  I put on my armor, my smile, my laugh and the facade is safe.  Secure.

But facts are facts.   I know the facts. Faced them head on.  I know what I know.  I know what I see.  I know the truth.  No, this is not a pity party.  It's just what I have observed and what I have been a witness to while being a 'fat girl'.  When you are "the fat girl" you have a more heightened sense of people who pay attention to you for all the wrong reasons and those people who do not pay attention to you.  You continually want and wish certain ones would pay more attention to you but it never happens.  When you do receive the desired attention, it is negative, not wanted and crushing.  When you become invisible or overlooked, you see things that no one else sees; which saddens you.  You notice the good looks and the bad looks, the stares, the mean comments made while people look directly at you and side bar to their friend.  Mostly you recognize the non-verbal communication and the attitudes people exude. You witness these first hand.  Always.

I've seen it ALL my life.  And as much as I would tell my "thin" friend, "yeah that guy couldn't keep his eyes off you."  she didn't believe me.  Because I know they are NOT looking at me.  If they were looking at me, it was because I'm the fat girl and perhaps they're wondering "why does she even try?"   When you are overlooked and fat, you do become invisible to a certain degree.  No one pays attention to you in a crowd, in a conversation.  Nothing.  Ironic.  But so true.  Maybe that's why I thrived in that "live large, laugh loud and don't care what people think" environment for so long.  Always. Center of attention at whatever cost. Forever ago.  Hoping and wishing for the pursuit of a first look, a nod of approval from the opposite sex or an engaging moment.  Always hoping. Always looking.  Always waiting.

Blogger's note:  Prior to releasing this blog, I had a moment of clarity, self-discovery.  Did I allow myself to be overlooked all these years? Did I purposely create a wall.  A wall of fat.  A barrier so that I wouldn't be hurt?  Could my weight be my barrier to being overlooked?  Could that have hindered any hopeful connections?  The jury is still out.  

So for you who think that I am funny or have classified me the class clown or the girl who laughs or the funny fat girl...well, it's been because I have been overlooked.  Once you tune into your constant surroundings, your facade begins.  You may be aching, scared, sad on the inside but you're not going to let the outside world know that.  You laugh.  You smile loudly.  You find happiness as best as you can before the cloud of gloom and your daily persecutions kick you to the curb.  You validate your own existence by being the center of attention at any cost to yourself or others.  Mostly to yourself.  If you're funny, then it's ok - you're in. If you're not funny or the life of the party, you're invisible. Overlooked.

So for as much weight as I lose, I know I will continue to be overlooked.   I know my personality makes me a gorgeous person inside and outside.  I do not need anyone to validate that.  I validate that myself.  But I will never be model material, I will never be a size 5, 7 or 9.  This is not low-self esteem talking, it's facts.  You know there is that formula; that quotient where once you get to know people they become more beautiful, gorgeous than when you first discovered them?  Their personality, their humor, their eye twinkle make them unbelievably gorgeous, handsome, sexy, beautiful.  I believe in that formula, that magic.  Always.

Yes this journey is not only about weight loss and healthy living but it has become a journey in changing from the inside out.  It's on-going.  Cathartic.  Introspective.  A constant self-discovery of who I was vs. who I am.  Now.  I no longer will allow myself to be overlooked.  I am.  Beautiful. Worthy.  Soon to be thinner. Now and always.